أعطيتك حتى أفنيت العطاء,
شربت ماء الورد حتى ارتويت الوفاء,
هجرتني فانطويت ألوم أحلامي,
قهرتني قهر العبد من دون أمل في الفرار,
شكوت من نفسي الى نفسي فارتميت بين ضلوع انكساراتي,
زهدتك و زهدت من بعدك همسات زمن لم يعد يهواني.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
None
A desperate attempt at salvaging what's left of my sanity. A dire state of losing touch with a world so foreign. An overwhelming desire to disappear.
I detest normal.
I settle for stable.
I relish extraordinary.
And I am none.
Battling my own thoughts of surrender. I have no more wounds that need healing. Must I endure more pain to acknowledge my destiny?
Understand this - I am not your master nor your servant.
Tamed, I will never be.
I will hold the glowing torch till my last dying day.
I detest normal.
I settle for stable.
I relish extraordinary.
And I am none.
Battling my own thoughts of surrender. I have no more wounds that need healing. Must I endure more pain to acknowledge my destiny?
Understand this - I am not your master nor your servant.
Tamed, I will never be.
I will hold the glowing torch till my last dying day.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
The End
The fear and wonderment of the end. The hovering apprehension of those last moments. The truth. The brutal honesty that can be unleashed under only those circumstances.
The two sides of the story. The deeds; good and evil. The hurt, the pain, and the loss that has to be revisited. The genuinely happy moments that will be missed.
The legacy. The legacy interrupted. The unfinished tale.
The time wasted, never to be recaptured. The illusion of tomorrow shattered forever.
The pride, hand in hand with self pity.
The unspoken words giving way to silent goodbyes, felt by the hearts of only those destined to be blessed with a glimpse of the truth.
The surrender of a spirit that knows no defeat.
The anticipation.
The dilemma.
Pleasure.
Redemption.
Desire.
Divinity.
The absolute choice. The only choice. The final choice.
The deception; the delusion; the semblance of a choice.
The end.
The beginning of salvation.
The two sides of the story. The deeds; good and evil. The hurt, the pain, and the loss that has to be revisited. The genuinely happy moments that will be missed.
The legacy. The legacy interrupted. The unfinished tale.
The time wasted, never to be recaptured. The illusion of tomorrow shattered forever.
The pride, hand in hand with self pity.
The unspoken words giving way to silent goodbyes, felt by the hearts of only those destined to be blessed with a glimpse of the truth.
The surrender of a spirit that knows no defeat.
The anticipation.
The dilemma.
Pleasure.
Redemption.
Desire.
Divinity.
The absolute choice. The only choice. The final choice.
The deception; the delusion; the semblance of a choice.
The end.
The beginning of salvation.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
منتهى السراب
مرايا الوهم تتغلب على حدود الواقع.
اشتياق العاقل للجنون الغير مفهوم,
و اشتياق المجنون لاعلى درجات الجنون.
حب بلا مضمون,
انكسار و انحسار و انتشار.
كبرياء و انتصار.
عناد الماضى و الهزيمة,
خبايا الروح الحزينة.
خطوة الى الامام و خطوة الى الوراء.
منتهى السراب.
Monday, October 01, 2012
The Swing
You showed up in my dreams again. Is it the illusion of how I wish things would be? Or is it an undisclosed desire to go back to the way things were?
Is it an escape from the present reality? Or remorse over the past?
The swing.
The rush of going higher and higher. The anticipation of the wind on my face. The uncontrolled laughter, similar to a child's bubbling giggles.
The subtle fear; what if the swing suddenly breaks? And then the determined passion for going yet a little higher.
Slowly easing to a stop.
The swinging has to cease. At some point.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Baby Blue
"It's a boy"
With trembling fingers I squeezed his hand. The smile illuminating my face could not be missed. God had answered my prayers. It's a boy. My second born, my sweet mistake, will be a boy.
-----------------------
I'd always wanted a son. First time around, I'd been crushed when the ultrasound revealed a girl. I wanted a boy so much. And then this; this unplanned pregnancy, that I didn't want, that I resented at the beginning. I will give birth to a son. A son to pamper and spoil; who'll pamper and spoil me in my old age. Who'll make me laugh with stories of his friends, and make me jealous with stories of his girlfriends. Who I'll watch grow up from mummy's little boy, to become his mother's joy and pride. Her rock. Her support. Her stability. Her man.
My baby.
---------------------------
I fell in love immediately with those baby blue eyes. So clear. So innocent. Looking up at me with the wisdom of an old man, not the puffy laziness of a new born. Something in him reminded me of my dad. For some reason, I could not quite put my finger on. He did not look anything like him. He was the spitting image of his sister, but with those hauntingly beautiful baby blue eyes. He held on to me with the neediness of a stranger in unknown surroundings. I held on to him with the desperation of a mother longing to meet the growing fetus in her womb. With him, I did not need to learn motherhood. With him, I just ached to see him, touch him, nurse him, love him a complete and wholesome love.
I could not stop kissing his soft cheeks, and his tiny hands. I would not let anyone hold him for longer than two minutes. I would not let the nurses take him away to nap. I would not even let his father take him away from me. I could not get enough of my baby. My son.
-------------------------------
Two days later, they took him away from me. They told me he was ill. Some mild illness that needed special care. I cried and sobbed even though they assured me it was nothing. I did not want him taken away from me; placed in a glass incubator where I could not hold him. A gnawing pain in my heart started eating away at me. Everyone told me I was overreacting. They did not know that with a mother's instinct, I knew my baby was suffering. I knew that there was something terribly wrong with my son. Something I would not want to hear or believe.
The days and nights became a blur. The only constant was the stool the nurses had put for me next to his incubator, where I placed my sterilised hand in his for hours, sobbing silently, praying inwardly for the day I would get to hold my baby again. I could not nurse him, because he could not be moved away from his oxygen supply. I could not kiss him, in case I would have passed on an infection. Every emotion I felt for him had to be transferred through our hands, held tightly for hours. When he cried, nothing soothed him except curling his tiny fingers around mine. My tears fell in abundance, tears I'd never cried in my entire life, washing away none of the pain and helplessness I felt. Sometimes, I wanted to shatter the glass of his incubator, accusing it of being the barrier between me and my son. Other times, I wanted to scream at the doctors for jabbing him with all those needles. More times, I just wept alone, refusing every attempt to tear me away from the hospital.
I could see my baby, begging me with his baby blue eyes, to take away his pain and suffering. I could almost read the expression in his eyes, blaming me for not protecting him, like I'd protected him, fed him, and nurtured him when he was inside my womb.
-----------------------------
My son died 25 days after the day he had lit up my entire existence. I held his dead body close to my heart, the first time I'd been able to hold him completely after they'd taken him away. Some insane part of me thought that maybe my grief would revive him; that maybe my tears falling down on his face would awaken him to life again. I did not sob or scream. I did not fall apart. I just held my child in my arms, kissed him goodbye, and then my tears dried up.
No tears, no weeping, and no sobbing could ever equal the anguish I felt, and still feel to this day, eight years later.
My son was dead. I would never hold him, ever again. He would not grow up to be the young man I had dreamed he would be. He would not have friends, or girlfriends. He would not tickle me or make me laugh. He would not make me yell at him for neglecting his chores, or annoying his sister. He was gone, forever. He would not scrape his knees riding his bicycle. He would not be taught football by his father. He would not have the broad shoulders I knew he would've inherited from both of us. He would not learn to shave his stubble, the one I knew I would've teased him about in his adolescence.
The baby blue eyes were shut, never to open again.
------------------------------
Till we meet again, I hold you in my heart.
With trembling fingers I squeezed his hand. The smile illuminating my face could not be missed. God had answered my prayers. It's a boy. My second born, my sweet mistake, will be a boy.
-----------------------
I'd always wanted a son. First time around, I'd been crushed when the ultrasound revealed a girl. I wanted a boy so much. And then this; this unplanned pregnancy, that I didn't want, that I resented at the beginning. I will give birth to a son. A son to pamper and spoil; who'll pamper and spoil me in my old age. Who'll make me laugh with stories of his friends, and make me jealous with stories of his girlfriends. Who I'll watch grow up from mummy's little boy, to become his mother's joy and pride. Her rock. Her support. Her stability. Her man.
My baby.
---------------------------
I fell in love immediately with those baby blue eyes. So clear. So innocent. Looking up at me with the wisdom of an old man, not the puffy laziness of a new born. Something in him reminded me of my dad. For some reason, I could not quite put my finger on. He did not look anything like him. He was the spitting image of his sister, but with those hauntingly beautiful baby blue eyes. He held on to me with the neediness of a stranger in unknown surroundings. I held on to him with the desperation of a mother longing to meet the growing fetus in her womb. With him, I did not need to learn motherhood. With him, I just ached to see him, touch him, nurse him, love him a complete and wholesome love.
I could not stop kissing his soft cheeks, and his tiny hands. I would not let anyone hold him for longer than two minutes. I would not let the nurses take him away to nap. I would not even let his father take him away from me. I could not get enough of my baby. My son.
-------------------------------
Two days later, they took him away from me. They told me he was ill. Some mild illness that needed special care. I cried and sobbed even though they assured me it was nothing. I did not want him taken away from me; placed in a glass incubator where I could not hold him. A gnawing pain in my heart started eating away at me. Everyone told me I was overreacting. They did not know that with a mother's instinct, I knew my baby was suffering. I knew that there was something terribly wrong with my son. Something I would not want to hear or believe.
The days and nights became a blur. The only constant was the stool the nurses had put for me next to his incubator, where I placed my sterilised hand in his for hours, sobbing silently, praying inwardly for the day I would get to hold my baby again. I could not nurse him, because he could not be moved away from his oxygen supply. I could not kiss him, in case I would have passed on an infection. Every emotion I felt for him had to be transferred through our hands, held tightly for hours. When he cried, nothing soothed him except curling his tiny fingers around mine. My tears fell in abundance, tears I'd never cried in my entire life, washing away none of the pain and helplessness I felt. Sometimes, I wanted to shatter the glass of his incubator, accusing it of being the barrier between me and my son. Other times, I wanted to scream at the doctors for jabbing him with all those needles. More times, I just wept alone, refusing every attempt to tear me away from the hospital.
I could see my baby, begging me with his baby blue eyes, to take away his pain and suffering. I could almost read the expression in his eyes, blaming me for not protecting him, like I'd protected him, fed him, and nurtured him when he was inside my womb.
-----------------------------
My son died 25 days after the day he had lit up my entire existence. I held his dead body close to my heart, the first time I'd been able to hold him completely after they'd taken him away. Some insane part of me thought that maybe my grief would revive him; that maybe my tears falling down on his face would awaken him to life again. I did not sob or scream. I did not fall apart. I just held my child in my arms, kissed him goodbye, and then my tears dried up.
No tears, no weeping, and no sobbing could ever equal the anguish I felt, and still feel to this day, eight years later.
My son was dead. I would never hold him, ever again. He would not grow up to be the young man I had dreamed he would be. He would not have friends, or girlfriends. He would not tickle me or make me laugh. He would not make me yell at him for neglecting his chores, or annoying his sister. He was gone, forever. He would not scrape his knees riding his bicycle. He would not be taught football by his father. He would not have the broad shoulders I knew he would've inherited from both of us. He would not learn to shave his stubble, the one I knew I would've teased him about in his adolescence.
The baby blue eyes were shut, never to open again.
------------------------------
Till we meet again, I hold you in my heart.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Never enough
It seems as though those endless moments are never enough. It seems as though the thirst is never quenched.
It seems as though that void will never be filled.
It seems as though the distances will never be covered.
It seems untrue.
It makes no sense.
The language we speak is suddenly foreign.
The emotions we feel are somewhat alien.
Genuine words spoken to deaf ears. Only then does silence seem the only response.
What the eyes have seen, no words can erase.
What the heart has felt, the mind cannot forget.
When consciousness refuses the truth, but an aching soul embraces it, wallowing sadly among the bitter sweet memories.
When a choice is within reach, being rejected over and over again. When despair settles in for no apparent reason.
Why?
A question left unanswered.
Why is all that never enough?
It seems as though that void will never be filled.
It seems as though the distances will never be covered.
It seems untrue.
It makes no sense.
The language we speak is suddenly foreign.
The emotions we feel are somewhat alien.
Genuine words spoken to deaf ears. Only then does silence seem the only response.
What the eyes have seen, no words can erase.
What the heart has felt, the mind cannot forget.
When consciousness refuses the truth, but an aching soul embraces it, wallowing sadly among the bitter sweet memories.
When a choice is within reach, being rejected over and over again. When despair settles in for no apparent reason.
Why?
A question left unanswered.
Why is all that never enough?
Monday, September 10, 2012
She walked the shoreline and touched the tips of her fingers to the sparkling water. She skipped a couple of steps and smiled her radiant smile. She stopped and looked up at the sun, squinting her eyes to its illuminant rays. She spread her arms and embraced the soft breeze.
She sat down and let the tears come. Slowly, gently at first, then pouring freely as the seconds passed by.
Nothing is constant.
Even the faintest of promises are broken.
Even the longest of nights end.
Even the kindest of hearts harden.
Even the toughest of wills surrender.
Nothing is constant.
Even the waves.
Even the waves decline and leave the shoreline, retreating softly into oblivion.
She sat down and let the tears come. Slowly, gently at first, then pouring freely as the seconds passed by.
Nothing is constant.
Even the faintest of promises are broken.
Even the longest of nights end.
Even the kindest of hearts harden.
Even the toughest of wills surrender.
Nothing is constant.
Even the waves.
Even the waves decline and leave the shoreline, retreating softly into oblivion.
Saturday, September 08, 2012
That twinkle in your eyes.....
That sideways look. That mischievous glint. Those smiling eyes.
They say so much.
And hold back much more.
That twinkle in your eyes.....
Simply draws me in.
They say so much.
And hold back much more.
That twinkle in your eyes.....
Simply draws me in.
Wednesday, September 05, 2012
The Twin
Standing in the shadow of reluctance. Waiting for his turn. He smiles with vanity, that lopsided grin. He knows he'll win. Eventually, you'll give in. That's what he's always known. He's always had the upper hand. He waits and waits. True, some days he waits longer than he should, but that's the price he's willing to pay. For what is more fulfilling than taking over the soul of his saviour? What's more captivating than surrendering to his own whims?
You look at him and shake your head. The smile you give doesn't reach your eyes. It's sad and lonely, full of regret. You rest your gaze on his silhouette. You wish you could wipe that smirk off his face. You want to tell him that he's never won. You move your lips to try and speak, then stop to think. You always crack, just when you're ahead.
He takes one step. You take two. You let him in, just like you always do.
You relinquish your resentment, and smile his lopsided grin.
With blurred vision, no one can even tell, who's him, and who's you.
You let him stutter and laugh away. But you know deep down, his confidence has gone astray. That lurking presence was only a show. Once more he's lost, once more you've won. You let him do exactly what you want. That gleam in his eyes is a match to your own.
You close your eyes, and embrace your reunion.
And you willingly succumb to your beloved twin.
You look at him and shake your head. The smile you give doesn't reach your eyes. It's sad and lonely, full of regret. You rest your gaze on his silhouette. You wish you could wipe that smirk off his face. You want to tell him that he's never won. You move your lips to try and speak, then stop to think. You always crack, just when you're ahead.
He takes one step. You take two. You let him in, just like you always do.
You relinquish your resentment, and smile his lopsided grin.
With blurred vision, no one can even tell, who's him, and who's you.
You let him stutter and laugh away. But you know deep down, his confidence has gone astray. That lurking presence was only a show. Once more he's lost, once more you've won. You let him do exactly what you want. That gleam in his eyes is a match to your own.
You close your eyes, and embrace your reunion.
And you willingly succumb to your beloved twin.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Play the strings on my guitar. A tune so romantic, it takes my breath away. Fly me away where no one can see me. Kiss my lips so softly, and I'll close my eyes and dream.
Dance with me. Move to my beat and hold me close.
Whisper in my ears, and let me feel your breath on my neck.
Take me where I"ve never been.
Look into my eyes and drown in their depth.
Let me twirl to my tune. Let me smile from the heart.
Let me go, then take me back.
Undress my soul.
Dance with me. Move to my beat and hold me close.
Whisper in my ears, and let me feel your breath on my neck.
Take me where I"ve never been.
Look into my eyes and drown in their depth.
Let me twirl to my tune. Let me smile from the heart.
Let me go, then take me back.
Undress my soul.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Full stop
A story of two young lovers. Each drawn to the other for different reasons. She does not know what he saw in her. Till this day, thirteen years later, she does not know. Maybe the eyes; he said so once. Maybe the innocence, long gone. Or maybe the challenge of conquering a spirit so wild and untamed.
She saw in him the escape. From the loud voices mainly. The raised voices she'd heard since as far back as she could remember; the threats, the accusations, the love enveloped with bitterness and hate. She saw in him a home, a family, a future. She saw security, finally security. He was a Godsend; he was coming down from heaven to rescue her.
Was that love? She did not think so. But with all her young determination she vowed to love the man who would save her. She promised to make him happy. She fought again and again to maintain him. With a stubbornness so unknown to her in her young age, she held on with a fierce loyalty, blind to anything else but her goal. To love him.
Does she regret that now? It's hard to tell. If she goes back in time, would she love him again? Probably yes.
Everyone saw their story as a fairytale. Two young lovers. Building a family. Surviving unimaginable struggles. Succeeding and defeating their hardships. Standing side by side throughout it all. Growing together. Sharing a life. Two beautiful people, making everyone around them happy.
He was happy. She knows he was. Not because he told her so. But because his wish was her command. She did not want the loud voices to visit her home. So she did whatever it took to silence the voices. Be it out of love, or out of fear, she's not sure. All she knows is that somewhere along the way, she lost herself. The spirit so wild and untamed, was tamed. The soul so restless was conquered. The desires remained unexplored. But it didn't matter really. She had her home, she had her family, she had her future, she had her security. That's what she wanted, wasn't it not? And she loved him. As much as she knew how to love someone she didn't love.
The complexity of her rebellion still alludes her. Why did she suddenly let go, after she had been holding on for so long? Why did the self that had been lost to her for years suddenly emerge? What changed? If she could just find answers to these questions, she might know some peace.
Today, he put the last full stop in the last sentence of the last page of the story. Today he fell in love with someone else. Today, he will build another family, another life. Today the story ends.
She wants him to know that she could've been happy, if it weren't for the fear of the loud voices. She wants him to know that he is a good man. She wants him to know that the love she felt for him will remain in her heart forever. She wants him to know that they are bonded for life. What they shared can never be shared with anyone else. She wants him to know that he disappointed her, but that it was not his fault. She should've helped him understand. She wants him to know that her youth was his, and his alone. She wants him to know that she really wishes things were different. That she tried for so long to be as simple as he wanted her to be, but that's not who she is.
She wants him to know that she thought his love for her would need much longer than that to be forgotten. That to her, the love story could not be overcome that quickly. But she understands. She understands that he is simpler, kinder, calmer. That the second love story will not be as rich as her love story. Their love story will remain forever engraved in the minds of many, a story told for years to come.
She wants him to know that he is her memories, her sorrow, her wisdom. She wants him to know that she will always love him. Always.
Be happy.
She saw in him the escape. From the loud voices mainly. The raised voices she'd heard since as far back as she could remember; the threats, the accusations, the love enveloped with bitterness and hate. She saw in him a home, a family, a future. She saw security, finally security. He was a Godsend; he was coming down from heaven to rescue her.
Was that love? She did not think so. But with all her young determination she vowed to love the man who would save her. She promised to make him happy. She fought again and again to maintain him. With a stubbornness so unknown to her in her young age, she held on with a fierce loyalty, blind to anything else but her goal. To love him.
Does she regret that now? It's hard to tell. If she goes back in time, would she love him again? Probably yes.
Everyone saw their story as a fairytale. Two young lovers. Building a family. Surviving unimaginable struggles. Succeeding and defeating their hardships. Standing side by side throughout it all. Growing together. Sharing a life. Two beautiful people, making everyone around them happy.
He was happy. She knows he was. Not because he told her so. But because his wish was her command. She did not want the loud voices to visit her home. So she did whatever it took to silence the voices. Be it out of love, or out of fear, she's not sure. All she knows is that somewhere along the way, she lost herself. The spirit so wild and untamed, was tamed. The soul so restless was conquered. The desires remained unexplored. But it didn't matter really. She had her home, she had her family, she had her future, she had her security. That's what she wanted, wasn't it not? And she loved him. As much as she knew how to love someone she didn't love.
The complexity of her rebellion still alludes her. Why did she suddenly let go, after she had been holding on for so long? Why did the self that had been lost to her for years suddenly emerge? What changed? If she could just find answers to these questions, she might know some peace.
Today, he put the last full stop in the last sentence of the last page of the story. Today he fell in love with someone else. Today, he will build another family, another life. Today the story ends.
She wants him to know that she could've been happy, if it weren't for the fear of the loud voices. She wants him to know that he is a good man. She wants him to know that the love she felt for him will remain in her heart forever. She wants him to know that they are bonded for life. What they shared can never be shared with anyone else. She wants him to know that he disappointed her, but that it was not his fault. She should've helped him understand. She wants him to know that her youth was his, and his alone. She wants him to know that she really wishes things were different. That she tried for so long to be as simple as he wanted her to be, but that's not who she is.
She wants him to know that she thought his love for her would need much longer than that to be forgotten. That to her, the love story could not be overcome that quickly. But she understands. She understands that he is simpler, kinder, calmer. That the second love story will not be as rich as her love story. Their love story will remain forever engraved in the minds of many, a story told for years to come.
She wants him to know that he is her memories, her sorrow, her wisdom. She wants him to know that she will always love him. Always.
Be happy.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
The silence prevails, louder than the loudest scream. The restlessness gnaws at the heart, and teases the mind. When thoughts wander in a million directions, and refuse to be captured and sorted. Flowing like a river, overflowing with currents. When feelings cannot be contained, but are harnessed against their wish. When the vision is so clear, to a point of being scary, but apathy eventually takes over. When small pleasures are so out of reach. When hard facts are harder to accept.
The emptiness making the void deeper than it ever was. And nothing, nothing can fill it up.
That's when you know, something's not right.
The emptiness making the void deeper than it ever was. And nothing, nothing can fill it up.
That's when you know, something's not right.
Friday, August 03, 2012
يا رب
يا رب قويني. يا رب صبرني. يا رب اغفرلي. يا رب ماليش غيرك. يا رب ايماني مالوش حدود. يا رب مش هشتكي همي لغيرك. يا رب انصرني و استرني و ارزقني. يا رب. يا رب. يا رب.
Sometimes
Torrents of emotion, all colliding at the same time. Amidst the chaos, you are alone. Maybe someone doubts, or can even guess half the truth. You hide the pain, and move along. The smile is not fake. It's genuine and heartfelt, but so is the pain. You carry the burden of years past and years ahead. You pray and pray, with faith that never bends. You never give up, you never quit. You have the hope. You have the sorrow that teaches that no matter how low you bow, you will never break.
But days pass, and days go by. The hope fades, and with trembling hands, you hold on tighter, because you know that hope is your only rescue from the despair you could so easily surrender to.
They look at you and see brightness. They look at you to gain strength. They look at you with expectations that never end. But at times, you want to rest. You want to lay low. You want it easy and slow. You want the luxury of closing your eyes, without a thousand thoughts streaming through your mind. You want to scream at them and tell them look at me. See me. Feel me. I am standing tall. I am standing strong. I am smiling. But I am broken. I am repairing myself, fractured bit by fractured bit. I have struggled and I have fought. Sometimes winning and sometimes losing. Sometimes on top and sometimes below. I have battled my demons and conquered what little of them I could. But I am human. I am emotions and I am feelings.
You look at them and you wonder. You look at them and you question. Which one of you sees the truth. Which one of you can feel the loss. Which one of you understands the emptiness.
They all demand you give and give. You love to give. You live to give. But sometimes, just sometimes, it would be nice to take a break. To have no worries. To have no fears.
Sometimes, you just want to.......run away.
But days pass, and days go by. The hope fades, and with trembling hands, you hold on tighter, because you know that hope is your only rescue from the despair you could so easily surrender to.
They look at you and see brightness. They look at you to gain strength. They look at you with expectations that never end. But at times, you want to rest. You want to lay low. You want it easy and slow. You want the luxury of closing your eyes, without a thousand thoughts streaming through your mind. You want to scream at them and tell them look at me. See me. Feel me. I am standing tall. I am standing strong. I am smiling. But I am broken. I am repairing myself, fractured bit by fractured bit. I have struggled and I have fought. Sometimes winning and sometimes losing. Sometimes on top and sometimes below. I have battled my demons and conquered what little of them I could. But I am human. I am emotions and I am feelings.
You look at them and you wonder. You look at them and you question. Which one of you sees the truth. Which one of you can feel the loss. Which one of you understands the emptiness.
They all demand you give and give. You love to give. You live to give. But sometimes, just sometimes, it would be nice to take a break. To have no worries. To have no fears.
Sometimes, you just want to.......run away.
The Dream
Curves blending. Pathways bending. Lightening crashing and clouds darkening. All conspiring to block the view.
Green meadows and a glistening river. A walk through a golden dream. A dream not true. A dream never realized. That's all it is; a golden dream.
Rays of sulight streaming through forgotten moors. With thunder above, and darkness below, the cries echo, the vastness spreads, but nothing touched, and nothing felt. The wind blows and lifts the leaves, long fallen from forgotten trees. The trees neglected and left to age, grand in their dignity, sad in their lonliness.
One step ahead, one step behind; it doesn't matter what route you choose. No matter how you opt to move, your feet still crush those thirsty leaves.
You were not tricked, you were not duped. You entered those moors with no regrets. But wake up now, and realize the truth. There is no meadow, it is not real. The rare moments you saw the sun, that's only when you lived a dream. A golden dream, I'll give you that.
But wake up now....it's just a dream.
Green meadows and a glistening river. A walk through a golden dream. A dream not true. A dream never realized. That's all it is; a golden dream.
Rays of sulight streaming through forgotten moors. With thunder above, and darkness below, the cries echo, the vastness spreads, but nothing touched, and nothing felt. The wind blows and lifts the leaves, long fallen from forgotten trees. The trees neglected and left to age, grand in their dignity, sad in their lonliness.
One step ahead, one step behind; it doesn't matter what route you choose. No matter how you opt to move, your feet still crush those thirsty leaves.
You were not tricked, you were not duped. You entered those moors with no regrets. But wake up now, and realize the truth. There is no meadow, it is not real. The rare moments you saw the sun, that's only when you lived a dream. A golden dream, I'll give you that.
But wake up now....it's just a dream.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Whip lashed
Everytime she looks at him, she sees her youth. Moments as sweet as innocence, and moments as bitter as regret. The years scattered forever, never gathered, never regained. In doubt, and full of second thoughts, but never revisiting her past. Or maybe visiting, but never staying, fleetingly glancing at where she could've taken a different turn. In all her remorse, she only blames herself. Always the quickest lashing falls upon her back. The whip so thick and unforgiving, falling harder with every passing minute, with every passing thought.
The anger building up, enough to blow a scorching hole in the ruthless heart, but always held back by another heart; ruthless as much but tender still, hope renewed with every beat, and every breath.
She slowly fades and blends again. Is hatred possible where there was once love? She looks ahead and through his head.
His face is masked; his eyebrows meet. His lips in a straight line. She shakes this look and tries to forget, that it's her he's looking at with all this contempt.
Deep down below, she knows its not true. The memories clash again and once more. Who wins this round, the bitter or the sweet? Who is more true? Who is more you?
Damn you for all you've done and can still do.
And damn her, for falling a victim to you.
And the whip falls harder with every passing minute, with every passing thought.......
The anger building up, enough to blow a scorching hole in the ruthless heart, but always held back by another heart; ruthless as much but tender still, hope renewed with every beat, and every breath.
She slowly fades and blends again. Is hatred possible where there was once love? She looks ahead and through his head.
His face is masked; his eyebrows meet. His lips in a straight line. She shakes this look and tries to forget, that it's her he's looking at with all this contempt.
Deep down below, she knows its not true. The memories clash again and once more. Who wins this round, the bitter or the sweet? Who is more true? Who is more you?
Damn you for all you've done and can still do.
And damn her, for falling a victim to you.
And the whip falls harder with every passing minute, with every passing thought.......
Monday, July 02, 2012
Reborn
Out of the womb of lifelong misery, I emerged. Lost, confused, and doubtful. Unsure of what I wanted or where I was heading. Unsure of the reasons of why I was running away from the self that I had known for years. Standing alone amidst the denial, the outrage, and the humiliation of having no tangible explanation. Looking back and seeing a dark tunnel, but looking ahead and seeing a vast nothingness. Numb and trembling with fear. Overwhelmed with guilt, hurt, and regret. Unable to communicate with those who were closest, but talking easily with strangers. Worn out by the memories of a life that seems so foreign now. Resisting all attempts at driving me back to where I ran from. Resentful and bitter. At times screaming in rage, other times weeping silently, and mostly just breaking inside slowly and painfully. Looking around in the eyes surrounding me for any glimpse of compassion or understanding. Hurt beyond words from all the accusations flying around. Stunned by the reaction of those I thought dearest. Touched by the attempts of kindness from kindred souls; souls that could see beyond the surface and touch the heart.
Standing alone, broken and scared, I faced it all. With no guarantee, no affirmation that I was doing what needed to be done. The only conviction being a choice between life or death. Fight to survive, or surrender and wither slowly. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else made sense. The details blurred by time. The pain subdued by choice. The battle fought through an iron will. A will to prove them all wrong. A will to not only survive but to shine. The only tool was faith. Faith that this could not be what it is all about. Faith that this is not the only life I could have. Faith that I know better, that I deserve better. That out of my battered past life, I can create wisdom, success and happiness. That I was not an object owned by people. That I was not their property to move around as they so wished. That I had a beating heart, and a thinking mind. That I could do "IT". "IT" being a blur did not matter so much as the possibilities of what it could be. What it could mean. What the future held. Armed with only my faith, I sailed against the wind, against all odds. I survived the accusations. I survived the hurtful words. I survived the degrading labels.
I did not let them break me. I did not let them make me. For the first time in my life, I believed in my potential. I believed in my strength. I believed in my logic. I believed in my heart of hearts. I blocked my ears and moved on. Occasionally breaking down. Occasionally lost and wandering aimlessly. Occasionally used and abused. But never ever giving in. Picking up myself over and over again. Until I stood tall. Until I held my head up high. Until I achieved what mattered the most. Until I saw the love in the eyes that mattered most. Until I proved that I was not right, but was not wrong either. Until I proved that I needed no one. That I could do "IT" all on my own.
Today, I look back and I thank each and every one who doubted me. I am not where I want to be yet. But you have taught me to believe in myself against all odds. To have confidence where there is none visible. To hold my head up high when everyone wants me to bow. You have taught me more about life than you can ever imagine possible. Because of you, I have learned to love me.
Today, I am grateful as I have never been before. I am grateful for the chance of another life. A life that I choose for myself and no one forces on me. A life where I can be just "me", with all the highs, all the lows, all the challenges, and all the happiness. I am grateful for learning that inner peace does exist. That I can live without guilt. That I am free.
I embrace life with all its possibilities. I open my mind and heart to all that it has to offer. I welcome the chances I used to miss, and I welcome the hardships with the faith of a believer.
Every new day is a chance for me to learn something new. Every new day teaches me a lesson, sometimes about myself, sometimes about others, but always about life. Every new day brings me peace that I have never experienced before. I love life and all it has to offer. And I can't wait to live it to the fullest.
I look back, and smile at the sadness. I look back, and smile at the sweet memories. I hold no bitterness no more. Every scar has made me who I am today. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
Every single day, I am thankful for being reborn.
Standing alone, broken and scared, I faced it all. With no guarantee, no affirmation that I was doing what needed to be done. The only conviction being a choice between life or death. Fight to survive, or surrender and wither slowly. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else made sense. The details blurred by time. The pain subdued by choice. The battle fought through an iron will. A will to prove them all wrong. A will to not only survive but to shine. The only tool was faith. Faith that this could not be what it is all about. Faith that this is not the only life I could have. Faith that I know better, that I deserve better. That out of my battered past life, I can create wisdom, success and happiness. That I was not an object owned by people. That I was not their property to move around as they so wished. That I had a beating heart, and a thinking mind. That I could do "IT". "IT" being a blur did not matter so much as the possibilities of what it could be. What it could mean. What the future held. Armed with only my faith, I sailed against the wind, against all odds. I survived the accusations. I survived the hurtful words. I survived the degrading labels.
I did not let them break me. I did not let them make me. For the first time in my life, I believed in my potential. I believed in my strength. I believed in my logic. I believed in my heart of hearts. I blocked my ears and moved on. Occasionally breaking down. Occasionally lost and wandering aimlessly. Occasionally used and abused. But never ever giving in. Picking up myself over and over again. Until I stood tall. Until I held my head up high. Until I achieved what mattered the most. Until I saw the love in the eyes that mattered most. Until I proved that I was not right, but was not wrong either. Until I proved that I needed no one. That I could do "IT" all on my own.
Today, I look back and I thank each and every one who doubted me. I am not where I want to be yet. But you have taught me to believe in myself against all odds. To have confidence where there is none visible. To hold my head up high when everyone wants me to bow. You have taught me more about life than you can ever imagine possible. Because of you, I have learned to love me.
Today, I am grateful as I have never been before. I am grateful for the chance of another life. A life that I choose for myself and no one forces on me. A life where I can be just "me", with all the highs, all the lows, all the challenges, and all the happiness. I am grateful for learning that inner peace does exist. That I can live without guilt. That I am free.
I embrace life with all its possibilities. I open my mind and heart to all that it has to offer. I welcome the chances I used to miss, and I welcome the hardships with the faith of a believer.
Every new day is a chance for me to learn something new. Every new day teaches me a lesson, sometimes about myself, sometimes about others, but always about life. Every new day brings me peace that I have never experienced before. I love life and all it has to offer. And I can't wait to live it to the fullest.
I look back, and smile at the sadness. I look back, and smile at the sweet memories. I hold no bitterness no more. Every scar has made me who I am today. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
Every single day, I am thankful for being reborn.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Don't ask me why
When you find a heart that's made of steel, don't ask me why. When you find the warmth replaced by frost, don't ask me why. When you find a smile that welcomes everyone except you, don't ask me why. When you find suspicion, mistrust, and caution, don't ask me why. When you see irony in eyes that glint, don't ask me why. When you see a giving spirit being mean, don't ask me why.
If you're one of them, don't ask me why.
When you come along, don't ask me why.
The smile before did not exclude. The warmth before did not choose. The eyes before did not abuse.
No longer this, and no longer that.
Don't ask me why.....ask them.
If you're one of them, don't ask me why.
When you come along, don't ask me why.
The smile before did not exclude. The warmth before did not choose. The eyes before did not abuse.
No longer this, and no longer that.
Don't ask me why.....ask them.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
The safety net
With every jump, it keeps you safe. You close your eyes and take a leap. You know it's there so you don't despair. You know you'll end up in one piece. You bounce back higher, and start again. The rush you feel keeps you enslaved.
This time it broke. You fell down hard. You're scarred and hurt, but more so confused. You blame the net. "Why did you break? You were so strong. You kept me safe. I flirt with you, and tease you still. I test your endurance, and you never break. Oh safety net, I held you dear. You kept me safe but now I'm torn."
But blame yourself. Why did you leap?
This time it broke. You fell down hard. You're scarred and hurt, but more so confused. You blame the net. "Why did you break? You were so strong. You kept me safe. I flirt with you, and tease you still. I test your endurance, and you never break. Oh safety net, I held you dear. You kept me safe but now I'm torn."
But blame yourself. Why did you leap?
Friday, June 15, 2012
Gratitude
With eyes open wide, so much more remains to be seen. The mystery is not solved and never will be. The ultimate answer cannot be foreseen. A battle of thoughts struggling to be released. But it is never ending. Endurable sometimes. Overwhelming other times. Beautiful often. But almost always sad. A bittersweet sadness of heightened boundaries.
It's worth a smile, not worth the tears. The irony controls every detail. Who comes and who goes does so for a reason. It's a lesson cherished, a lesson so new.
The mind expands with every new experience. Why cry, why mourn? The light shines to reveal a new angle. It's not in vain. It will not be forgotten. When the restless settles, the restless understands.
They came for a reason. They stayed for a reason. They left for a reason.
And the sparkle is sustained.
It's worth a smile, not worth the tears. The irony controls every detail. Who comes and who goes does so for a reason. It's a lesson cherished, a lesson so new.
The mind expands with every new experience. Why cry, why mourn? The light shines to reveal a new angle. It's not in vain. It will not be forgotten. When the restless settles, the restless understands.
They came for a reason. They stayed for a reason. They left for a reason.
And the sparkle is sustained.
Saturday, June 09, 2012
The journey
On the run for so long. Escaping the well known. Chasing the unknown. Breaking down the barriers within. Letting loose the strangled self. Polishing the shell, but tarnishing the core. Excluding a prisoner from all rational thought. Closing in; moving out. A burial with breath still strong.
A rusty shovel with broken handles is all that's there. Remove the dirt, unleash the spirit, silence the longing for an escape.
Destination unknown, but nevertheless felt. No need for a map, just by instinct led. No fear no more. No regrets no more. Reflections and musings. Lessons learned and guilt absolved. A wiser mind; a kinder heart; a stronger soul.
An acceptance of fate. A withdrawal from shame. A closeness never felt, to all that matters and doesn't. Blessings and curses forever embraced.
For every breath there seems, a beauty of sorts.
A rusty shovel with broken handles is all that's there. Remove the dirt, unleash the spirit, silence the longing for an escape.
Destination unknown, but nevertheless felt. No need for a map, just by instinct led. No fear no more. No regrets no more. Reflections and musings. Lessons learned and guilt absolved. A wiser mind; a kinder heart; a stronger soul.
An acceptance of fate. A withdrawal from shame. A closeness never felt, to all that matters and doesn't. Blessings and curses forever embraced.
For every breath there seems, a beauty of sorts.
Monday, June 04, 2012
Echoes
Below the surface, the noises rumble. An overlap of muffled screams. A thought escapes but another arrives. A feeling fleets to be replaced. A tortured soul but not yet torn. The silence fades. A faraway call awakes the dormant mind. And then it begins. A heart in turmoil; in constant fear. Nothing remains. What is lost is never regained. A consience struggles, but doesn't abstain.
I see your face. I push it away. I do not want it, but it returns anew. It's scrambled thoughts, all over the place. The echo of your voice. The echo of your pain. The echo of your loss. They haunt my day. And I want you still.
The face turned upwards. Those puckered lips. I see them always. I see them still. Those wandering eyes that rest on him. They linger still. I hear the echo. The shadowed lie.
The look that blames, and guilts me still. Those judging words, they echo still. I dream of you. You conquered my years. You stole my youth. You gave me what's precious, but you hurt me still.
And then there's you. I hold you now. I'll lose you then. I hear the echo. The echo of your love.
I see your face. I push it away. I do not want it, but it returns anew. It's scrambled thoughts, all over the place. The echo of your voice. The echo of your pain. The echo of your loss. They haunt my day. And I want you still.
The face turned upwards. Those puckered lips. I see them always. I see them still. Those wandering eyes that rest on him. They linger still. I hear the echo. The shadowed lie.
The look that blames, and guilts me still. Those judging words, they echo still. I dream of you. You conquered my years. You stole my youth. You gave me what's precious, but you hurt me still.
And then there's you. I hold you now. I'll lose you then. I hear the echo. The echo of your love.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Remember Me
When the darkness sets in, and the hollowness expands. When tomorrow seems bleak, and yesterday is just a memory. When there's so much to give, but no one to give to. Remember me.
When the fog surrounds the wandering soul. When the heart is lost. When the grave is deeper than the deepest pit. Remember me.
The loving eyes that speak endless thoughts. The quivering lips that hide infinite words. The lowered head that conceals scattered dreams. Remember me.
Walk the miles. Spread the warmth. Believe. And remember me.
The dream was real. The emotions were raw. The truth was harsh. But remember me.
There is no more. Nothing is left. Nothing to hide, nothing to say. Confusion mirrors passion. Logic equals insanity. So true. So rare. So exquisite. So remember me.
That smile that can light up a world of candles. That tenderness that can suffice for eternal life. That touch that can evoke a volcano of emotions. That's how I'll remember you.
It's not complete. It's not unfinished.
Just....remember me.
When the fog surrounds the wandering soul. When the heart is lost. When the grave is deeper than the deepest pit. Remember me.
The loving eyes that speak endless thoughts. The quivering lips that hide infinite words. The lowered head that conceals scattered dreams. Remember me.
Walk the miles. Spread the warmth. Believe. And remember me.
The dream was real. The emotions were raw. The truth was harsh. But remember me.
There is no more. Nothing is left. Nothing to hide, nothing to say. Confusion mirrors passion. Logic equals insanity. So true. So rare. So exquisite. So remember me.
That smile that can light up a world of candles. That tenderness that can suffice for eternal life. That touch that can evoke a volcano of emotions. That's how I'll remember you.
It's not complete. It's not unfinished.
Just....remember me.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Confessions
I confess that I am sad. I confess that I am no longer optimistic. I confess that I hold on for the sole reason that I don't want anyone to see me fail. I confess that I am losing my faith. I confess that I am broken, shatterred, hurting, and hopeless. I confess that all I want to do is curl up and die. I confess that I see no reason to keep on going. I confess that I question my every move, my every decision, my every thought, my every dream, and my every gesture. I confess that the guilt is eating me up. I confess that I am lost. I confess that I am stunned, amazed, and have no idea who I am or who I want to become. I confess that I see no better tomorrow. I confess that I hate my restlessness. I confess that I wish I was different.
I am soft yet hard. Emotional yet practical. Strong yet weak. Modest yet arrogant. A heartbreaker and broken hearted.
I am disappointed time after time after time. I am hardened and selfish. I am stubborn. I am determined a false determination.
I am a fake.
I am soft yet hard. Emotional yet practical. Strong yet weak. Modest yet arrogant. A heartbreaker and broken hearted.
I am disappointed time after time after time. I am hardened and selfish. I am stubborn. I am determined a false determination.
I am a fake.
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
The Abyss
Sliding slowly downwards. Steps not measured. Haphazard movements pull you to an unknown destination. It's a free fall. It seems scary and yet the undefined potential still exists. You try to grasp it but it slips between your fingers. There's beauty floating around. And sadness. But the sadness thrives on the beauty, exploiting its strength, manifesting the hidden choices.
The abyss is smooth and soft. Delusioning you into temptation. This is what you want. You twirl and sway, gently, yet barely touching the sides. You shiver, experiencing a familiar yet new sensation. The revelation of the familiarity confuses you. The excitement of the newness arouses you. The battle between the senses draws a veil that envelops you. You can breathe, but barely. You don't suffocate, although at some point, you want to surrender to the end.
And then you draw the veil to your sides. You smoothly touch it to your face. You breathe its scent, erotic, sensual, interesting. You spread your arms and the veil follows your command. You sway again. You seduce the abyss with your moves. You bend and rise. You throw your head back and arch your neck. There is no resistance. The magnetism in your eyes absorbs the energy around you. Your veil is your wings. Your arms are your anchor. Your belief is your faith.
You spread your wings and fly. This time, with measured steps, you glide out of the abyss.
To return, maybe. To leave forever, not likely.
The abyss remains, with all its sadness, temptation, and distorted beauty.
The abyss is smooth and soft. Delusioning you into temptation. This is what you want. You twirl and sway, gently, yet barely touching the sides. You shiver, experiencing a familiar yet new sensation. The revelation of the familiarity confuses you. The excitement of the newness arouses you. The battle between the senses draws a veil that envelops you. You can breathe, but barely. You don't suffocate, although at some point, you want to surrender to the end.
And then you draw the veil to your sides. You smoothly touch it to your face. You breathe its scent, erotic, sensual, interesting. You spread your arms and the veil follows your command. You sway again. You seduce the abyss with your moves. You bend and rise. You throw your head back and arch your neck. There is no resistance. The magnetism in your eyes absorbs the energy around you. Your veil is your wings. Your arms are your anchor. Your belief is your faith.
You spread your wings and fly. This time, with measured steps, you glide out of the abyss.
To return, maybe. To leave forever, not likely.
The abyss remains, with all its sadness, temptation, and distorted beauty.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
A twist of fate
In another land. In another time. I met you. You said you loved the distance in my eyes. You rose to the challenge. You explored. You asked questions and waited for the answers. You held me tight. You said it was amazing.
I was not your friend. I was your everything. You saw inside me and I saw inside you. Your caress was enough to wipe away the pain of the lost years. I forewent all that was significant and all that was trivial.
In that faraway land, the sun rose and the light shone on my bare shoulders. You smiled and the world smiled. You smiled and your eyes smiled. You smiled and I smiled.
The moon and stars were our sole companions. You needed no one and I needed only you. The breeze followed our lips, locked together for eternity; our souls entangled in an endless embrace.
I did not meet you in another land. I did not meet you in another time. I met you when it was too late.
I miss you........
I was not your friend. I was your everything. You saw inside me and I saw inside you. Your caress was enough to wipe away the pain of the lost years. I forewent all that was significant and all that was trivial.
In that faraway land, the sun rose and the light shone on my bare shoulders. You smiled and the world smiled. You smiled and your eyes smiled. You smiled and I smiled.
The moon and stars were our sole companions. You needed no one and I needed only you. The breeze followed our lips, locked together for eternity; our souls entangled in an endless embrace.
I did not meet you in another land. I did not meet you in another time. I met you when it was too late.
I miss you........
Monday, April 23, 2012
Four Walls
Four sides to the same place. Light blue walls. The only witness to the beginning of an end. Words said that explain a lifetime of unhappiness. Words said that hurt one and liberate the other. Tears spent. A hug shared that is not felt except by one. A loss for both. Shallow promises and unkept determination to remain civil. Hands held. Holding on to more than just the vows. Holding on to the only truth that can be understood. Silenced goodbyes and raised threats. Sudden denial and prolonged pain. A reality shattering a wasted dream. Unfulfilled desire exposing a hidden identity. Confusion and disbelief. Lies to maintain what little thread of dignity that remains. Iron will confronting emotion.
Nobody lies but both do. For a split second, surrender seems the easier option. For a split second, going back seems like the only escape. For a split second, mutual trust is shared. But only for that split second, do the walls glimpse a reunion.
The walls have wept alongside their companions. The walls have absorbed the sobs. The walls have seen what no one else has dared ask about.
The walls have kept their quiet. Knowing for a fact that these will not be the last lost souls they will encounter.
The walls watch what nobody else can imagine. The four light blue walls. Home to the unrevealed.
Nobody lies but both do. For a split second, surrender seems the easier option. For a split second, going back seems like the only escape. For a split second, mutual trust is shared. But only for that split second, do the walls glimpse a reunion.
The walls have wept alongside their companions. The walls have absorbed the sobs. The walls have seen what no one else has dared ask about.
The walls have kept their quiet. Knowing for a fact that these will not be the last lost souls they will encounter.
The walls watch what nobody else can imagine. The four light blue walls. Home to the unrevealed.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
The proposal
With sudden clarity, she knows what her answer will be. She lowers her head and smiles. She pulls him up so that his head is level with hers. They were almost the same height when she wore high heels. Today, she was glad for this. She needed to look in his eyes when she gave him her answer.
He looks at her expectantly, hopefully....knowing her answer but nevertheless anxious to hear it escape from between her lips. He knows she'd been waiting for this moment for months. He knows she wants him more than she had ever wanted another man. He knows she endured what no other woman would have. He knows that although she appears strong on the outside, she is the most vulnerable woman he's encountered. What's more, he knows that he is lucky he hadn't lost her. That in his moments of stupidity, he could've lost her as easily as he is holding her hands right now. He knows he gave her hell when he gave his heart to another woman. He knows that she took him back only because she loved him more than she loved herself. He knows that her pride and dignity were second to none, but only less when it came to him. He knows the three letter word will be music to his ears. He waits, looking at her, devouring her beauty with her eyes.
She clears her throat and smiles her radiant smile; the smile that lights up her eyes and exudes innocence. She takes a deep breath, and closes her eyes briefly, and then opens them again. Without further hesitation, she says it.....
"No."
His silence is louder than any words he can say. He is unable to utter a word. Disbelief and lack of comprehension are writtten all over his face.
She continues.
"I suddenly realized that I don't love you. I love the idea of you. I love your love story. I envied what you had with her. I wanted it so much to be me. This is what I loved. This is what I wanted. With you, maybe. With someone else, maybe that too. Now, when I look at you, I see a person I love dearly. But I don't see the man of my dreams. I don't see someone I want to marry. I'm sorry baby, my answer is no, I will not marry you."
He looks at her expectantly, hopefully....knowing her answer but nevertheless anxious to hear it escape from between her lips. He knows she'd been waiting for this moment for months. He knows she wants him more than she had ever wanted another man. He knows she endured what no other woman would have. He knows that although she appears strong on the outside, she is the most vulnerable woman he's encountered. What's more, he knows that he is lucky he hadn't lost her. That in his moments of stupidity, he could've lost her as easily as he is holding her hands right now. He knows he gave her hell when he gave his heart to another woman. He knows that she took him back only because she loved him more than she loved herself. He knows that her pride and dignity were second to none, but only less when it came to him. He knows the three letter word will be music to his ears. He waits, looking at her, devouring her beauty with her eyes.
She clears her throat and smiles her radiant smile; the smile that lights up her eyes and exudes innocence. She takes a deep breath, and closes her eyes briefly, and then opens them again. Without further hesitation, she says it.....
"No."
His silence is louder than any words he can say. He is unable to utter a word. Disbelief and lack of comprehension are writtten all over his face.
She continues.
"I suddenly realized that I don't love you. I love the idea of you. I love your love story. I envied what you had with her. I wanted it so much to be me. This is what I loved. This is what I wanted. With you, maybe. With someone else, maybe that too. Now, when I look at you, I see a person I love dearly. But I don't see the man of my dreams. I don't see someone I want to marry. I'm sorry baby, my answer is no, I will not marry you."
Buddy
Outside
She cracks a joke and laughs loudly. She pulls a punch and runs to hide before it is returned. She shares the drinks straight out from the bottle. She speeds with her car and swears when she's beaten. She does heavy labor and carries her own luggage. She flirts innocently and reddens when she's caught. She listens to their love stories and gives advice. She lends a shoulder to hang on to, and thinks with her head in the right direction. She hangs out in the cold and wind, and makes fun of those who shiver. She never makes a fuss, never compalins, and never asks for help. She's a guy's best buddy, and a girl's best friend.
Inside
She's hurting. A million thoughts running through her head, refusing to stop, refusing to be silenced. A hundred memories attack. Sometimes bittersweet but mostly bitter. She tries to make sense of anything but fails. She hears the voices and cracks a joke. They laugh and she thinks if only they knew. She punches him in the shoulder when he makes fun of her and runs to hide before he sees the tears glistening at the tip of her lashes. Tears of hurt and pain....tears of confusion.
Her heart bleeds with every mention of a name, with every lack of attention, with every pang of jealousy she feels. Her body shakes with every loss that she pretends is normal. She doesn't know or understand why she hides what is true. Why she conceals what is all her. Why she plays the role of the buddy and the friend.
Suddenly.......
She realizes why. Because she loves them too much to let them go. So she will always be their best buddy and best friend.
She cracks a joke and laughs loudly. She pulls a punch and runs to hide before it is returned. She shares the drinks straight out from the bottle. She speeds with her car and swears when she's beaten. She does heavy labor and carries her own luggage. She flirts innocently and reddens when she's caught. She listens to their love stories and gives advice. She lends a shoulder to hang on to, and thinks with her head in the right direction. She hangs out in the cold and wind, and makes fun of those who shiver. She never makes a fuss, never compalins, and never asks for help. She's a guy's best buddy, and a girl's best friend.
Inside
She's hurting. A million thoughts running through her head, refusing to stop, refusing to be silenced. A hundred memories attack. Sometimes bittersweet but mostly bitter. She tries to make sense of anything but fails. She hears the voices and cracks a joke. They laugh and she thinks if only they knew. She punches him in the shoulder when he makes fun of her and runs to hide before he sees the tears glistening at the tip of her lashes. Tears of hurt and pain....tears of confusion.
Her heart bleeds with every mention of a name, with every lack of attention, with every pang of jealousy she feels. Her body shakes with every loss that she pretends is normal. She doesn't know or understand why she hides what is true. Why she conceals what is all her. Why she plays the role of the buddy and the friend.
Suddenly.......
She realizes why. Because she loves them too much to let them go. So she will always be their best buddy and best friend.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Rebound
I am your rebound. I am his rebound. Nothing more, nothing less. I am the reason the vision is clearer. I am the second best. The might have been if things were different. But they're not and they never will be. It's sad but inevitable. A fact that has to be accepted.
I don't want to be anybody's rebound. I want to be somebody's everything and him mine. I want to give and take in return. I want to love and be loved equally. I don't want to try to impress anyone. I want to be loved for every little detail that I am. To be admired and understood. I want to be cherished. I want him to watch me as I sleep. To think of my smile when I am away. To miss holding me in his arms. I want him to look in my eyes and be able to read all my love shining through them.
I don't want to have to fight for what I know I deserve. I will never be the number two....ever again.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The cave
It's a dark cave. But you know that you need to walk the line. The path is unpaved. The light is dimmed......but it is too tempting. The shadows pull you towards the unknown. The curves are wild and sloping. You look up and you know that the end is not close. The skyline is hidden but you can see the orange hallow sneaking up on you. You feel nothing but complete awe. The silence entraps you. Inner peace envelops you. And though it is haunted, you know it can't haunt you.
Saturday, April 07, 2012
Why not?
You're beuatiful and sexy. So why not? You're caring and giving. So why not? You don't say no. So why not?
You're genuine. But you're not. You're confused. But you're not. You're wise. But you're not. You're heartless. But you're not.
You thought you were over that. You thought you were stronger. You thought you used and abused. You thought it was your game. You thought you were in control. You thought you had it all. You thought you were different. You thought you were special. You thought and thought and thought. But you did not.
Maybe you are. Maybe you're not. But you'll never find out. Because you're there. Because you're available. Because you never leave. No matter how tough it gets. You never leave. You can never cut the noose that slowly, but tightly, circles your neck. You keep it there. Although you know that one day it will strangle you. Although every now and then it scratches you. Although sometimes it draws blood. Although occasionally it leaves scars that can never be healed. But its presence comforts you. A false delusional comfort. A wicked pseudo sense of belonging. A need that is being fulfilled. A need for need. A sick demented state of powerfulness that overcomes you every single time.
And then you ask why? But why not?
You are the predator and you are the prey. So why not?
Don't blame the victim. The victim is no longer you.
You're genuine. But you're not. You're confused. But you're not. You're wise. But you're not. You're heartless. But you're not.
You thought you were over that. You thought you were stronger. You thought you used and abused. You thought it was your game. You thought you were in control. You thought you had it all. You thought you were different. You thought you were special. You thought and thought and thought. But you did not.
Maybe you are. Maybe you're not. But you'll never find out. Because you're there. Because you're available. Because you never leave. No matter how tough it gets. You never leave. You can never cut the noose that slowly, but tightly, circles your neck. You keep it there. Although you know that one day it will strangle you. Although every now and then it scratches you. Although sometimes it draws blood. Although occasionally it leaves scars that can never be healed. But its presence comforts you. A false delusional comfort. A wicked pseudo sense of belonging. A need that is being fulfilled. A need for need. A sick demented state of powerfulness that overcomes you every single time.
And then you ask why? But why not?
You are the predator and you are the prey. So why not?
Don't blame the victim. The victim is no longer you.
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
For you
This one's for you. Because of who you are and what you mean. Because of what you can be but refuse to try. Because of the potential that is being wasted right in front of my eyes. Because I know you can be more, you have more, you are more. Because of the future that can be yours if only you gave it a chance. Because of the strength I know you have in you but have buried it in your depths. Because you are taking the easy way out and I won't let you. Because I have tried and said all that can be said, without emotion, but have failed. Because of the despair I see in your soul when I believe you can capture your happiness easily. Because this is not the end of you, the loss of you, the game over you are waiting for.
Stop despairing and start living.
Erase this frustration that is engulfing you day in and day out.
Stop saying I could've been and believe you still can be.
Stop regretting the lost years and the might have beens.
There is still so much more to be done. Still much more to be lived. Still much more to be achieved.
Stop saying I want to and then going and doing the opposite. I find no excuse for that.
Start acting and stop regretting.
Your past is over and done with. GONE FOREVER.
Stop letting it control your destiny. You are in control of your own destiny.
You are not the only one with a past. You are not the only one in pain. You are not the lonliest person in the world. You are not lost. You are not alone. You are not the only one who has to start over.
Stop being a feather in the wind of your life. Thrown from side to side. Blown by the wind. Submissive to its surroundings. Surrendering to its fate.
You have so much to give yet you don't believe that. So many talents. So much potential. Such a waste to not realize that. Such a sad heartbreaking waste.
You are blessed with a heart that is as wide as the sky and as deep as the ocean.
Don't flush your future away. Don't throw away the beauty that is all you are and all you can be. Don't restrict yourself to a destiny that can be as cruel as your guilt. Don't give in. Don't give up. There is so much more to be seen, so much more to be felt, and so much more to be enjoyed.
Leave a legacy that is yours and yours alone.
Believe me when I believe in you.
Stop despairing and start living.
Erase this frustration that is engulfing you day in and day out.
Stop saying I could've been and believe you still can be.
Stop regretting the lost years and the might have beens.
There is still so much more to be done. Still much more to be lived. Still much more to be achieved.
Stop saying I want to and then going and doing the opposite. I find no excuse for that.
Start acting and stop regretting.
Your past is over and done with. GONE FOREVER.
Stop letting it control your destiny. You are in control of your own destiny.
You are not the only one with a past. You are not the only one in pain. You are not the lonliest person in the world. You are not lost. You are not alone. You are not the only one who has to start over.
Stop being a feather in the wind of your life. Thrown from side to side. Blown by the wind. Submissive to its surroundings. Surrendering to its fate.
You have so much to give yet you don't believe that. So many talents. So much potential. Such a waste to not realize that. Such a sad heartbreaking waste.
You are blessed with a heart that is as wide as the sky and as deep as the ocean.
Don't flush your future away. Don't throw away the beauty that is all you are and all you can be. Don't restrict yourself to a destiny that can be as cruel as your guilt. Don't give in. Don't give up. There is so much more to be seen, so much more to be felt, and so much more to be enjoyed.
Leave a legacy that is yours and yours alone.
Believe me when I believe in you.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
The walls
Built them slowly. One brick at a time. Jagged, smooth, black, colourful, symmetrical, assymmetrical. Not sad. Not special. Just numb. Numb walls that silence the longing. Soundproof to drown out the cries of passion. Waterproof to expel the tears that try to push thier way through the cracks to flow endlessly. Sincere. Not hard nor ruthless. Cold? Sometimes. Indifferent? Mostly.
The light shines through them though. To illuminate. The heart still sees what the eyes choose to miss. The heart sees but does not feel. The heart learns but does not ache. The heart enjoys but does not hope. The heart smiles its sad smile. The heart always smiles. Never giving up. The heart believes what the mind denies. The endless struggle taking its toll on its beholder. Worn out by time. Restless by nature.
Flowing like the soft currents in the river. Peaceful. Moving. The rays of the sun reflected. Sometimes glowing. Other times dull. But always there. Constant as time. Reliable.
Broken and fixed every single time.
The walls do not keep out the sun.
The sun always shines on its beholder......always.
The light shines through them though. To illuminate. The heart still sees what the eyes choose to miss. The heart sees but does not feel. The heart learns but does not ache. The heart enjoys but does not hope. The heart smiles its sad smile. The heart always smiles. Never giving up. The heart believes what the mind denies. The endless struggle taking its toll on its beholder. Worn out by time. Restless by nature.
Flowing like the soft currents in the river. Peaceful. Moving. The rays of the sun reflected. Sometimes glowing. Other times dull. But always there. Constant as time. Reliable.
Broken and fixed every single time.
The walls do not keep out the sun.
The sun always shines on its beholder......always.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Vulnerable....no more
For all I've been and known. For all that was then and is now. For what has passed and is present. For happiness and for sorrow. For the laughter and for the tears. For all the lost chances. For all the missed opportunties. For the pride that strikes in moments of weakness. And the nostalgia that prevails in moments of strength. For the extreme sadness that overcomes the soul to a point that words fail, and language falls short of sufficient expressions. For the hollowness that leaves you short of breath, heart beating too fast, palms sweating, eyes filling up with tears, face burning up, feet cold, and body shaking. For the physical pain that mimicks a hand clutching your heart and squeezing until you gasp out loud. For the clarity that comes in a flash. For the signs you ignore and the signs that register in your consiousness.
For all that I have lost and I have gained. And I have lost quite a few.
For the long nights that shadowed lonliness, and now mean solitude.
For the days that stretched endlessly, and still do.
For the subtle touch, and the ruthless thrust.
For the passion and the indifference.
For the friends and strangers that pass through your life. Some linger. Some walk away. Some come back. And some leave forever.
For the feelings that can't be told and the ones that can't be untold.
For the regrets.
For the guilt.
For the stubborn minds that attack their victims without mercy, without a second chance, without a last glance backwards.
For all that has been. For all that will be.
I am vulnerable......no more.
For all that I have lost and I have gained. And I have lost quite a few.
For the long nights that shadowed lonliness, and now mean solitude.
For the days that stretched endlessly, and still do.
For the subtle touch, and the ruthless thrust.
For the passion and the indifference.
For the friends and strangers that pass through your life. Some linger. Some walk away. Some come back. And some leave forever.
For the feelings that can't be told and the ones that can't be untold.
For the regrets.
For the guilt.
For the stubborn minds that attack their victims without mercy, without a second chance, without a last glance backwards.
For all that has been. For all that will be.
I am vulnerable......no more.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Waves
The waves crash. Shades of blue and green blending with the skyline. The foam rises and sputters. The depth unknown...unseen. Raise your head. Catch your breath. Rise and fall. Fall and rise.
The waves crash. Dark and angry. Pushing their way to the shore. Overthrowing the calm. Overthrowing the peace. Fast...furious...full of anger. Thrashing, slamming, emittng the ultimate release.
The waves crash. Liberal. Beautiful. Swaying. Dancing to their own rythym.
The waves crash. As one. Lonely. Sad. Slowly retreating. Embracing the horizon. Lowering their fiery passion with subtle movements.
The waves crash. Their tears flow. Unstoppable. Uncontrollable. Scattered. Lost. Found. Denied. Accepted. Exposed in their vulnerability. Disguised in their pride.
The waves stop. Idle. Oppressed. Supressed. Repressed.
The waves stop. Stifling a timeless desire. Suffocating an overpowering craving.
And then hesitantly...cautiously......inevitably....the waves crash.
The waves crash. Dark and angry. Pushing their way to the shore. Overthrowing the calm. Overthrowing the peace. Fast...furious...full of anger. Thrashing, slamming, emittng the ultimate release.
The waves crash. Liberal. Beautiful. Swaying. Dancing to their own rythym.
The waves crash. As one. Lonely. Sad. Slowly retreating. Embracing the horizon. Lowering their fiery passion with subtle movements.
The waves crash. Their tears flow. Unstoppable. Uncontrollable. Scattered. Lost. Found. Denied. Accepted. Exposed in their vulnerability. Disguised in their pride.
The waves stop. Idle. Oppressed. Supressed. Repressed.
The waves stop. Stifling a timeless desire. Suffocating an overpowering craving.
And then hesitantly...cautiously......inevitably....the waves crash.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Damsel in Distress
If that's what it takes...I refuse. I will not be that helpless, desperate, fragile being just to make you feel more like a man. I will not bat my eyelashes. I will not have tears glistening on my eyelids unless I feel them. I will not act lonely. I will not need you to make my life fuller. I will not ask you for help. I will not wait for you to complete me. I am complete. I don't need you nor need anyone else.
I will not compete in a losing battle. I rise above that. I am who I am. And you will only know my worth when I'm no longer there. But by then, it will be too late for you. You will regret it but I will have no sympathy. I am strong. I am strong. I am strong.....and I don't need to be weak to prove I am a woman. A woman with a hollow cave of emotion. A cave that has no beginning and no end. Emotions that rise and fall as frequently as the sun rises and sets. How little you know me. You have no idea. More than anything else, it is this superioir knowledge of my being that you pretend to have that annoys me. Oh boy, will you be surprised.
Enjoy the calm. But be ready for the storm.
Because believe me.....you will lose either way. I will have owned you....or you will wish you'd have owned me.
I do not compete in a losing battle.
I will not compete in a losing battle. I rise above that. I am who I am. And you will only know my worth when I'm no longer there. But by then, it will be too late for you. You will regret it but I will have no sympathy. I am strong. I am strong. I am strong.....and I don't need to be weak to prove I am a woman. A woman with a hollow cave of emotion. A cave that has no beginning and no end. Emotions that rise and fall as frequently as the sun rises and sets. How little you know me. You have no idea. More than anything else, it is this superioir knowledge of my being that you pretend to have that annoys me. Oh boy, will you be surprised.
Enjoy the calm. But be ready for the storm.
Because believe me.....you will lose either way. I will have owned you....or you will wish you'd have owned me.
I do not compete in a losing battle.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
One break
I am trying so hard to hold on. Trying so hard to be positive. The dark wave is engulfing me and I am resisting. I am fighting it but I think it is winning. I need an outlet. Not a temporary outlet. A permanent one. I don't know how to react. My head is spinning with endless thoughts. My heart is pounding so strongly that my chest is having a hard time containing it. I want to run. Where to, I don't know. To no destination probably. To the unknown. No, I am sick and tired of the uknown. I am sick and tired of my roaming thoughts. Please rest, dear mind. Give me one break. Just one true break. I don't need a quick high. I need some peace. I need some serenity. I need....I don't know what I need. Maybe that's where the problem lies.
It is approaching I know, this darkness I so hate. With all my might, with all my strength, with all my will power, I am trying to push it away. I am looking inside me for all the positivity I have ever known. I loathe self pity. I am not a victim. Never have been. Never will be. But I am so fucking tired. Just tired. Really really tired.
Just one break. I ask no more.
It is approaching I know, this darkness I so hate. With all my might, with all my strength, with all my will power, I am trying to push it away. I am looking inside me for all the positivity I have ever known. I loathe self pity. I am not a victim. Never have been. Never will be. But I am so fucking tired. Just tired. Really really tired.
Just one break. I ask no more.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
As usual....
As usual......
She left. I will miss her. She moved on. I will remain where I am.
As usual.....
Logic defies emotion.
As usual.....
I am left to pick up the broken pieces all by myself.
As usual.....
I will have to bury it deep within my soul. Not think of it. Not dwell on it. Not feel it anymore.
As usual.....
I gave in to the twist in my sobriety.
As usual.....
I will be engulfed with the black, the pain, the loss, the aftermath.
As usual......
I will say never again.
As usual.......
I am all alone........
She left. I will miss her. She moved on. I will remain where I am.
As usual.....
Logic defies emotion.
As usual.....
I am left to pick up the broken pieces all by myself.
As usual.....
I will have to bury it deep within my soul. Not think of it. Not dwell on it. Not feel it anymore.
As usual.....
I gave in to the twist in my sobriety.
As usual.....
I will be engulfed with the black, the pain, the loss, the aftermath.
As usual......
I will say never again.
As usual.......
I am all alone........
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Someone like you
Someone who calls her beautiful. Someone who remembers her sorrow before her happiness. Someone who pulls her up when she is down. Who pushes her forward when she's ready to give up. Who looks deeply in her eyes to read her thoughts. Who knows what every tilt of her head means; who can see the idea formulating before she herself understands it. Someone who loves her insanity; adores her insecurity; laughs at her compulsiveness. Someone who runs his fingers through her hair; who wipes her tears; who misses her eyes.
Someone who doesn't judge her; who's seen all her faults and still wants her. Someone who tells her that the world is a happy place when she's happy. Someone who understands her words through her sobs. Someone who's proud of her; who tells her she's strong and tells the whole world about it. Someone who believes her when she says she'll be famous one day even though she doesn't believe it herself.
Someone who holds her in his arms and she feels safe. Someone who dances with her late into the night; kisses her like there's no tomorrow. Someone who listens to her stories without ever getting bored. Someone who appreciates her details and opens her eyes to the beauty within her she never saw before. Someone who sees the twisted darkness inside her and thinks it's amazing. Someone who'd stand by her no matter what. Someone she can call her equilibrium. Someone she can't replace with anyone else. Someone who impersonates the true meaning of selfless love. Someone who's not perfect, but is perfect....for her.
Someone like you.
Someone who doesn't judge her; who's seen all her faults and still wants her. Someone who tells her that the world is a happy place when she's happy. Someone who understands her words through her sobs. Someone who's proud of her; who tells her she's strong and tells the whole world about it. Someone who believes her when she says she'll be famous one day even though she doesn't believe it herself.
Someone who holds her in his arms and she feels safe. Someone who dances with her late into the night; kisses her like there's no tomorrow. Someone who listens to her stories without ever getting bored. Someone who appreciates her details and opens her eyes to the beauty within her she never saw before. Someone who sees the twisted darkness inside her and thinks it's amazing. Someone who'd stand by her no matter what. Someone she can call her equilibrium. Someone she can't replace with anyone else. Someone who impersonates the true meaning of selfless love. Someone who's not perfect, but is perfect....for her.
Someone like you.
Friday, March 09, 2012
The extremist
You are two not one. You are an angel and a devil. You are innocence and you are evil. You are everything and its opposite. You love yourself. You hate yourself. You are the extreme. Nothing completes you. Nothing quenches your thirst. Nothing satisfies your appetite. You are roaming in an endless desert. You have no fear. The realms of logic do not intimidate you. The heights of passion do not compare to you.
Nothing surprises you. You read people like an open book. You choose to believe them and deceive them. You use them and discard them. You love them and hate them. You own them and nobody owns you. Your truth is their curse. Your honesty is their cowardice.
You know that anyone is capable of anything....and herein lies your power.
Nothing surprises you. You read people like an open book. You choose to believe them and deceive them. You use them and discard them. You love them and hate them. You own them and nobody owns you. Your truth is their curse. Your honesty is their cowardice.
You know that anyone is capable of anything....and herein lies your power.
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
The Awakening
Dimmed lights. A flickering candle. A scent and a breeze. A step forward. Lightly. Closed eyes. A tickling. A teasing. A white soft feather barely touching its tip to skin so soft. A sudden slight shiver. A step back.
Eyes opening. Daring. Discovering. Curious. Hopeful? Not so much. The utter impossibility of minimum expectaions thrives on the challenge. The inadequacy of responding gives way to the adventure of exploring mysterious boundaries. A temptation that is hard to resist.
A smile that keeps reappearing imposing its presence.
Rays of light tenderly making their way through curving valleys and sloping hills. The breeze giving way to a startling wind. Serenity knocks its door on closed ears.
The awakening is yet to come. Uninvited.
Eyes opening. Daring. Discovering. Curious. Hopeful? Not so much. The utter impossibility of minimum expectaions thrives on the challenge. The inadequacy of responding gives way to the adventure of exploring mysterious boundaries. A temptation that is hard to resist.
A smile that keeps reappearing imposing its presence.
Rays of light tenderly making their way through curving valleys and sloping hills. The breeze giving way to a startling wind. Serenity knocks its door on closed ears.
The awakening is yet to come. Uninvited.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Forever
I want to roam without a purpose. Travel without a destination. Discover without a goal. Close my eyes and dream. Soar high up above my limits. I want to spread my arms and smile. I want to dance and sway to the music. I want the wind to blow away my hair; to sweep me off my feet. I want to run like a little child; laugh loudly and mean it. I want the world at my fingertips, adhering to my every desire.
It's not the calm of the sea that arouses me; rather the crashing waves spitting thier foam in my face. It is not the blueness of the sky that fascinates me; but rather the never ending horizon we cannot see. It is not the innocent look that attracts me; but rather the penetrating gaze that entices me. It is not the flowing river of emotions that seduces me; but rather the electrifying chemistry that alludes me.
I am all that you are and all that you are not. I am the coil that doesn't unwind. The mystery that is never solved. The passion that is never resolved.
I am forever and forever will not find me. So seek me not.
It's not the calm of the sea that arouses me; rather the crashing waves spitting thier foam in my face. It is not the blueness of the sky that fascinates me; but rather the never ending horizon we cannot see. It is not the innocent look that attracts me; but rather the penetrating gaze that entices me. It is not the flowing river of emotions that seduces me; but rather the electrifying chemistry that alludes me.
I am all that you are and all that you are not. I am the coil that doesn't unwind. The mystery that is never solved. The passion that is never resolved.
I am forever and forever will not find me. So seek me not.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Forgive you....not
After all that's been said and done. After all that's been felt and expressed. After the accusations, the blame games, and the bitterness. There is this one thing that it all boils down to. Not that the others don't matter. They do. But they were borne for many years and could've been borne still. Because even though I said there wasn't......there was. Love. Even though I thought there wasn't...now I believe there was. If only for the fact that I can't hate you. After the hurt and the deprivation, I still can't hate you. After the overwhelming sadness and loss, I still forgave you most, but not all. And I never forget.
But you took that one thing away from me. That one thing that I can't forgive nor forget. Every time I take a walk down memory lane, it hurts. Every time a sweet memory reappears, the bitterness surfaces. Every time the calm circles, the anger prevails. Every recall of a positive moment gets overshadowed by negativity. Every happiness that was once felt, is lost to an overbearing yearning. A yearning so profound that it is almost physically painful. Because of this one thing that I can't forgive nor forget.
I don't think I will ever forgive you for that. Not only because of the act, but more so because you knew. You knew. You knew what I would be losing. You knew that I had been always looking for it. You knew how much I wanted it. You knew how much I had been waiting for this my whole life. You knew. You knew because I told you. You knew because I trusted you. You knew because you were the first one to know. You knew.
You took away my home. The only real home I ever knew. The home that was mine. The home that was stable after a lifetime of instability. The home that belonged to me and I belonged to. The home I ran away to. The home that was my escape from multiple pseudo homes. The home that was the family I worked so hard to build. So hard. The walls, the rooms, the closed doors. My home. It was enough. It was worth the tears and the sleepless nights. It was worth the lost identity. It was worth the sacrifices. It was worth it all. My home.
One decision. Just one decision cost me my home. And you knew what that meant to me. You knew. You took away my home. And for that, I will never forgive you. After all that's been said and done.
But you took that one thing away from me. That one thing that I can't forgive nor forget. Every time I take a walk down memory lane, it hurts. Every time a sweet memory reappears, the bitterness surfaces. Every time the calm circles, the anger prevails. Every recall of a positive moment gets overshadowed by negativity. Every happiness that was once felt, is lost to an overbearing yearning. A yearning so profound that it is almost physically painful. Because of this one thing that I can't forgive nor forget.
I don't think I will ever forgive you for that. Not only because of the act, but more so because you knew. You knew. You knew what I would be losing. You knew that I had been always looking for it. You knew how much I wanted it. You knew how much I had been waiting for this my whole life. You knew. You knew because I told you. You knew because I trusted you. You knew because you were the first one to know. You knew.
You took away my home. The only real home I ever knew. The home that was mine. The home that was stable after a lifetime of instability. The home that belonged to me and I belonged to. The home I ran away to. The home that was my escape from multiple pseudo homes. The home that was the family I worked so hard to build. So hard. The walls, the rooms, the closed doors. My home. It was enough. It was worth the tears and the sleepless nights. It was worth the lost identity. It was worth the sacrifices. It was worth it all. My home.
One decision. Just one decision cost me my home. And you knew what that meant to me. You knew. You took away my home. And for that, I will never forgive you. After all that's been said and done.
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
Trapped
For so long. Words unsaid. Emotions not felt. Confusion that doesn't end. Desires controlled. Wings clipped. But more than that. Aware and unaware. A debate that has been going on forever. Right or left. Black or white. Wrong?? Define wrong. Potential? For what? A dream or a reality. True or an illusion. A belief or a fantasy.
Trapped. In thoughts that do not rest. In questions that have no answers. In a mediocre state that was never sufficient for containment of the wandering mind.
An escape. To a faraway land that does not exist. In dreams that are hard to realize. A release that will never materialize.
A peasant with golden hair. In a rough land with thorns. An outstretched hand without line of vision. A piercing glance that knows no end. A passionate heart and a ruthless mind in constant conflict. A painter, a writer, a magician. Tricks of the mind. Loss of the soul. A gripping fear and raw pain. Contradictions of the ordinary to pursue the extraordinary. A silenced scream.
Break free. Or wither away.....
Trapped. In thoughts that do not rest. In questions that have no answers. In a mediocre state that was never sufficient for containment of the wandering mind.
An escape. To a faraway land that does not exist. In dreams that are hard to realize. A release that will never materialize.
A peasant with golden hair. In a rough land with thorns. An outstretched hand without line of vision. A piercing glance that knows no end. A passionate heart and a ruthless mind in constant conflict. A painter, a writer, a magician. Tricks of the mind. Loss of the soul. A gripping fear and raw pain. Contradictions of the ordinary to pursue the extraordinary. A silenced scream.
Break free. Or wither away.....
Sunday, February 05, 2012
Mellow
Peaceful. Content. Unpredictable. Incredibly calm. Uncaring. So caring. Confident. In control. Out of control. Hopeful. Optimistic. Not dwelling.
Finally moving on? Maybe.
And yes....just a bit happy.
Finally moving on? Maybe.
And yes....just a bit happy.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Illusions
1.
She lifted up her head from the book she was reading and looked ahead. Something had caught her attention but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. She looked around her with interest. And then, she figured it out. It was his scent. Her heart skipped a beat. Could it be him? She looked around again, this time with more eagerness, her heartbeats quickening with every glance she cast.
2.
He'd been watching her for the past hour. She looked so vulnerable being engrossed in her book like that. She hadn't lifted her head the whole time he'd been there. She hadn't felt his eyes on her. He'd never seen anyone so beautiful...so innocent. With her bangs falling carelessly on her forehead and casting a shadow across her eyes, it took all of his resistance not to get out of his chair, walk up to her, and push those bangs back into place. Suddenly, she looked up breathlessly. His heart skipped a beat. Could she have noticed him? Should he work up the courage to go talk to her. He waited.
3.
He entered casually. He never noticed the effect he had on a place when he entered. It was not his good looks, as much as his confident stride, and his head held up high that caught the attention. But he never cared. And he never looked sideways...always ahead. Never stopping to notice an admiring glance or an appreciative look. He paused, trying to decide where to sit. He looked around, and that's when he caught her eye. It took a moment to register that it was her. But when it did, a slow smile spread across his face, a smile that mirrored hers. He waited for her to make her move...as always.
Finale....
As the smile kept spreading across her face, she closed her book slowly, took a deep breath, and lifted herself up out of her chair. Her heart was beating so hard she thought it would explode out of her chest. Her breathing was shallow, and her hands were slightly shaking. She'd never done something like this before. She walked across, leaned forward slowly, and extended her hand...
"Hi...I'm Mira. I noticed you've been watching me the entire time you've been here. Would you care to join me for a cup of coffee so that we can be properly introduced?"
Monday, January 09, 2012
Self pity
You see, it's like this....you know it's wrong, and you know you should be stronger than that. You know that there are a lot of people that look up to you. You know that it's not as bad as it seems. And you know that half the shit you're thinking of is probably exaggerated. But in the end, it's how you feel. Forget what's right and what's wrong. Forget what's real and what's exaggerated. Forget that some people are much worse off. Forget that if it were someone else, they'd react differently. Forget that if it were a friend, you'd tell them to man up and get a grip. This is how you feel - right now - today - right this minute.
And you don't give a rat's ass who disapproves.
And you don't give a rat's ass who disapproves.
Thursday, January 05, 2012
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
I've learned.....
- That your parents are your idols ...until you grow up and discover that they're only human beings
- That everyone has a story to tell....and they're all different stories
- That we are all weak....even the toughest ones around
- That nobody means to hurt anybody......but we're all hurting inside
- That it's easy to pass judgement on others....but harder to pass judgement on yourself
- That the simplest pleasures in life are more important than the greater pleasures
- That the past is always sweeter when it's over....even though it was bitter when it happened
- That tomorrow is full of promises....but we never believe that
- That it's easier to beat yourself up....than to accept that it's ok to make mistakes
- That a person can smile through the eyes.....before it reaches the lips
- That the harder the journey.....the wiser you become
- That it's easier to stay in your comfort zone.....than to challenge yourself
- That we all want an escape from reality.....but regret it when it happens
- That happiness is relative....but sadness is shared
- That we all do the same mistakes over and over again.....even though we pretend that we've learned the lesson
- That love is an emotion no one really understands
- That sometimes our quest for life is mainly our quest for love....and when we find it, we push it away
- That every person has a talent.....undiscovered and unearthed
- That there are no limits to our dreams.....and no end to our disappointments
- That anyone can do anything....if they want to
- That heartbreak and loss can be felt physically....painfully
- That a good cry can wash away the sorrows of the soul
- That nothing lasts forever
- That we all think we know the answers to all the questions.....even though we cannot be more ignorant
- That life is a lesson that never ends
- That in order to rise, we have to fall....hard
- That our love for life can only be equated with our hatred for it
- That it's easier to blame the victim than it is to blame the opressor
- That the most beautiful words in the world are "I love you mummy"
- That music has a power far greater than we can imagine
- That words can sometimes make you....or break you
- That some people touch your lives......forever
Life is......
- A sphere of endless possibilities
- A disappointment
- A joy ride
- A rollercoaster
- A valley and a hill
- A learning experience
- A mystery
- A combination of expectations
- A will and a way
- A means and an end
- A ritual and a discovery
- A rainbow and a thunderstorm
- A desert and a cave
- A high and a low
- A yesterday and a tomorrow
Life is.....life
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)