This post is just to confirm that endings are very sad. And ugly. And hurtful. And someone has to be the villian. I guess this is the way things are. No point in trying to change them. So, you want something to end? Well, bear the brunt of it. Suffer the consequences. Know that you are hated by all the people that loved you before. Yes!!! Isn't this the ending you sought? Then why the hell are you sad now? Well, yes I wanted it to end....but it did it have to end in such a tragic way? Couldn't we have been civilized? Why the HELL NOT????? Does someone have an answer? Probably not.

As for begininngs....well....scary is the understatement of the year. And I'm not even there yet.

يا قلبى....

ماذا تريد يا قلبى هيا افتنى...سئمت ترددك....سئمت ضعفك امام عقلى...سئمت انسياقك خلف الضمير.
قل لى يا قلبى ماذا تريد...
هل تستطيع الحياة بدون الحب المنتهى؟
هل ستكتفى بالفتات و تلتقط ما تستطيع من العشاق؟
أم ستأبى و تصرخ طلبا للنجاة؟
هيا يا قلبى افتنى...
سئمتك سئمتك سئمتك مثلما سئمت كل أنواع الهوى

Beginning, Middle, and End.....

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what Momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will....." Hope Floats movie.
I saw this movie only once, but this quote has been stuck with me ever since. The amount of truth in it is staggering. Right now, I feel that I'm just starting to overcome my childhood. But I'm in the three stages all at once. I'm in the middle, but it's also a new beginning with a very sad ending. How can I handle that? The thoughts in my head are running around all at once. Confusion, determination, guilt, relief, and then belief and determination once again. There's also the tiniest trace of fear - fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of venegance.....At times, I'm so sure that I'm doing the right thing. That I am actually being selfless in my desires. Thinking of myself but also thinking of others. Not taking the easy way out. But taking the hardest way out. And then there is the question of identity - is this a lost identity trying to find itself? Or is this an identity that is losing itself? Who am I? What do I want? Am I really broken? I pause and think, and if I am honest with myself - yes I am broken. Even if I don't like the real me. The me who can be broken and who cannot endure forever. The me who wants to be selfish and thinks it's ok to be so. The me who has desires and needs, and doesn't think it's ok to ignore them anymore. But who was I? Why was I so scared of who I really am? Why did I bury all these desires and needs for so long? Why did I pretend I was happy when I was not? Why did I settle for less than what satisfies me? And why am I not settling anymore? Was it a fear of the Divine? Was I taking a path of purity that I could not maintain? Or was I just a normal human being that did not understand her capabilities and limitations, and now I do? But does even knowing that make me feel better? Am I a better or a worse person? Should I even care to know the answer to this question?
I am who I am. I just need to find out who that person is.

A story of a girl

This is the story of a girl who fell in love when she shouldn't have. She didn't even know if what she felt was love...infatuation...desire....or something else entirely. All she knew was that she wanted to see him all the time. To look in his eyes all the time. To be possessed by him all the time. All she knew was that she was willing to risk everything just to be held by him; just to lie in his arms; just to taste his lips. All she knew is that she loved listening to his stories, no matter how many times he repeated them. That she loved to hear his voice. That she wanted to taste his tears...swallow them....make sure he never cries again. All she knew was that when he looked at her....that deep loving look, everything seemed ok. Everything was possible. Everything was safe. All she knew she felt for sure was that he didn't love her back. All she knew was that he didn't belong to her. Although she could see herself carrying his children. Although she could see herself stroking his hair late into the night. Although she could see herself kissing his lips everyday. Although she could see herself growing beautiful by the minute....if only he loved her back. This is the story of a girl who had everything to lose and nothing to gain. This is the story of a girl who wanted to lose it all and only gain the one thing she couldn't have. This is the story that is as old as the world and as new as the morning dew. This is the story that is like all love stories......a story that has the same beginning but a different ending......every single time.