A twist of fate

In another land. In another time. I met you. You said you loved the distance in my eyes. You rose to the challenge. You explored. You asked questions and waited for the answers. You held me tight. You said it was amazing.
I was not your friend. I was your everything. You saw inside me and I saw inside you. Your caress was enough to wipe away the pain of the lost years. I forewent all that was significant and all that was trivial.
In that faraway land, the sun rose and the light shone on my bare shoulders. You smiled and the world smiled. You smiled and your eyes smiled. You smiled and I smiled.
The moon and stars were our sole companions. You needed no one and I needed only you. The breeze followed our lips, locked together for eternity; our souls entangled in an endless embrace.
I did not meet you in another land. I did not meet you in another time. I met you when it was too late.
I miss you........

Four Walls

Four sides to the same place. Light blue walls. The only witness to the beginning of an end. Words said that explain a lifetime of unhappiness. Words said that hurt one and liberate the other. Tears spent. A hug shared that is not felt except by one. A loss for both. Shallow promises and unkept determination to remain civil. Hands held. Holding on to more than just the vows. Holding on to the only truth that can be understood. Silenced goodbyes and raised threats. Sudden denial and prolonged pain. A reality shattering a wasted dream. Unfulfilled desire exposing a hidden identity. Confusion and disbelief. Lies to maintain what little thread of dignity that remains. Iron will confronting emotion.
Nobody lies but both do. For a split second, surrender seems the easier option. For a split second, going back seems like the only escape. For a split second, mutual trust is shared. But only for that split second, do the walls glimpse a reunion.
The walls have wept alongside their companions. The walls have absorbed the sobs. The walls have seen what no one else has dared ask about.
The walls have kept their quiet. Knowing for a fact that these will not be the last lost souls they will encounter.
The walls watch what nobody else can imagine. The four light blue walls. Home to the unrevealed.

The proposal

With sudden clarity, she knows what her answer will be. She lowers her head and smiles. She pulls him up so that his head is level with hers. They were almost the same height when she wore high heels. Today, she was glad for this. She needed to look in his eyes when she gave him her answer.
He looks at her expectantly, hopefully....knowing her answer but nevertheless anxious to hear it escape from between her lips. He knows she'd been waiting for this moment for months. He knows she wants him more than she had ever wanted another man. He knows she endured what no other woman would have. He knows that although she appears strong on the outside, she is the most vulnerable woman he's encountered. What's more, he knows that he is lucky he hadn't lost her. That in his moments of stupidity, he could've lost her as easily as he is holding her hands right now. He knows he gave her hell when he gave his heart to another woman. He knows that she took him back only because she loved him more than she loved herself. He knows that her pride and dignity were second to none, but only less when it came to him. He knows the three letter word will be music to his ears. He waits, looking at her, devouring her beauty with her eyes.
She clears her throat and smiles her radiant smile; the smile that lights up her eyes and exudes innocence. She takes a deep breath, and closes her eyes briefly, and then opens them again. Without further hesitation, she says it.....
"No."
His silence is louder than any words he can say. He is unable to utter a word. Disbelief and lack of comprehension are writtten all over his face.
She continues.
"I suddenly realized that I don't love you. I love the idea of you. I love your love story. I envied what you had with her. I wanted it so much to be me. This is what I loved. This is what I wanted. With you, maybe. With someone else, maybe that too. Now, when I look at you, I see a person I love dearly. But I don't see the man of my dreams. I don't see someone I want to marry. I'm sorry baby, my answer is no, I will not marry you."

Buddy

Outside
She cracks a joke and laughs loudly. She pulls a punch and runs to hide before it is returned. She shares the drinks straight out from the bottle. She speeds with her car and swears when she's beaten. She does heavy labor and carries her own luggage. She flirts innocently and reddens when she's caught. She listens to their love stories and gives advice. She lends a shoulder to hang on to, and thinks with her head in the right direction. She hangs out in the cold and wind, and makes fun of those who shiver. She never makes a fuss, never compalins, and never asks for help. She's a guy's best buddy, and a girl's best friend.

Inside
She's hurting. A million thoughts running through her head, refusing to stop, refusing to be silenced. A hundred memories attack. Sometimes bittersweet but mostly bitter. She tries to make sense of anything but fails. She hears the voices and cracks a joke. They laugh and she thinks if only they knew. She punches him in the shoulder when he makes fun of her and runs to hide before he sees the tears glistening at the tip of her lashes. Tears of hurt and pain....tears of confusion.
Her heart bleeds with every mention of a name, with every lack of attention, with every pang of jealousy she feels. Her body shakes with every loss that she pretends is normal. She doesn't know or understand why she hides what is true. Why she conceals what is all her. Why she plays the role of the buddy and the friend.

Suddenly.......
She realizes why. Because she loves them too much to let them go. So she will always be their best buddy and best friend.

Rebound

I am your rebound. I am his rebound. Nothing more, nothing less. I am the reason the vision is clearer. I am the second best. The might have been if things were different. But they're not and they never will be. It's sad but inevitable. A fact that has to be accepted. I don't want to be anybody's rebound. I want to be somebody's everything and him mine. I want to give and take in return. I want to love and be loved equally. I don't want to try to impress anyone. I want to be loved for every little detail that I am. To be admired and understood. I want to be cherished. I want him to watch me as I sleep. To think of my smile when I am away. To miss holding me in his arms. I want him to look in my eyes and be able to read all my love shining through them. I don't want to have to fight for what I know I deserve. I will never be the number two....ever again.

The cave

It's a dark cave. But you know that you need to walk the line. The path is unpaved. The light is dimmed......but it is too tempting. The shadows pull you towards the unknown. The curves are wild and sloping. You look up and you know that the end is not close. The skyline is hidden but you can see the orange hallow sneaking up on you. You feel nothing but complete awe. The silence entraps you. Inner peace envelops you. And though it is haunted, you know it can't haunt you.

Why not?

You're beuatiful and sexy. So why not? You're caring and giving. So why not? You don't say no. So why not?
You're genuine. But you're not. You're confused. But you're not. You're wise. But you're not. You're heartless. But you're not.
You thought you were over that. You thought you were stronger. You thought you used and abused. You thought it was your game. You thought you were in control. You thought you had it all. You thought you were different. You thought you were special. You thought and thought and thought. But you did not.
Maybe you are. Maybe you're not. But you'll never find out. Because you're there. Because you're available. Because you never leave. No matter how tough it gets. You never leave. You can never cut the noose that slowly, but tightly, circles your neck. You keep it there. Although you know that one day it will strangle you. Although every now and then it scratches you. Although sometimes it draws blood. Although occasionally it leaves scars that can never be healed. But its presence comforts you. A false delusional comfort. A wicked pseudo sense of belonging. A need that is being fulfilled. A need for need. A sick demented state of powerfulness that overcomes you every single time.
And then you ask why? But why not?
You are the predator and you are the prey. So why not?
Don't blame the victim. The victim is no longer you.

For you

This one's for you. Because of who you are and what you mean. Because of what you can be but refuse to try. Because of the potential that is being wasted right in front of my eyes. Because I know you can be more, you have more, you are more. Because of the future that can be yours if only you gave it a chance. Because of the strength I know you have in you but have buried it in your depths. Because you are taking the easy way out and I won't let you. Because I have tried and said all that can be said, without emotion, but have failed. Because of the despair I see in your soul when I believe you can capture your happiness easily. Because this is not the end of you, the loss of you, the game over you are waiting for.
Stop despairing and start living.
Erase this frustration that is engulfing you day in and day out.
Stop saying I could've been and believe you still can be.
Stop regretting the lost years and the might have beens.
There is still so much more to be done. Still much more to be lived. Still much more to be achieved.
Stop saying I want to and then going and doing the opposite. I find no excuse for that.
Start acting and stop regretting.
Your past is over and done with. GONE FOREVER.
Stop letting it control your destiny. You are in control of your own destiny.
You are not the only one with a past. You are not the only one in pain. You are not the lonliest person in the world. You are not lost. You are not alone. You are not the only one who has to start over.
Stop being a feather in the wind of your life. Thrown from side to side. Blown by the wind. Submissive to its surroundings. Surrendering to its fate.
You have so much to give yet you don't believe that. So many talents. So much potential. Such a waste to not realize that. Such a sad heartbreaking waste.
You are blessed with a heart that is as wide as the sky and as deep as the ocean.
Don't flush your future away. Don't throw away the beauty that is all you are and all you can be. Don't restrict yourself to a destiny that can be as cruel as your guilt. Don't give in. Don't give up. There is so much more to be seen, so much more to be felt, and so much more to be enjoyed.
Leave a legacy that is yours and yours alone.
Believe me when I believe in you.