Words........

Words said to a married friend of mine this morning on msn....she really liked them, so I thought I should post them here:

It is not a war....it is a lifetime of sharing and love....it doesn't matter who is stronger than who....you will be strong in a way and he will be strong in a way...the key is to complete each other, not compete with each other....

Two separate yet related incidents.........

A few weeks ago, my cell phone rings and I answer. It's the recruitment agency. The following conversation takes place:

Recruiter: I finally found the perfect job for you
And she proceeds to tell me the job specifications and offer, which I really like.
Me: Great! So, when can I go for an interview?
Recruiter: I just have one question for you first.....
Me: Sure.........
Recruiter: Are you veiled?
Me: Ummm, no.......
Recruiter: Oh good.....
Me: Sorry??
Recruiter: Oh, it's just that this company has a policy of not hiring veiled women.
Me: I see....
Recruiter: So, when should I schedule the interview for you?
Me: No, thanks......
Recruiters: What?
Me: Thank you, I'm not interested anymore.

A few days ago....sitting at a coffee shop with some friends. So, we're discussing work problems and job offers, and a girl, who is not my friend, but a friend of a friend says to me:

Her: Oh, your qualifications would be perfect for the job opening we just had at our company...
Me: Really....tell me more....
Her: But there's actually one problem
Me: What problem?
Her: We have a policy of not hiring un-veiled girls. You have to be veiled to get hired......
Me: Oh well, thanks anyway.

Twice, I was judged based on my appearance, albeit differently. How could such policies exist?? I mean, isn't this just plain discrimination!!

Whatever...................

It's been so long.......................

I missed it here so much! But I'm back.....:) And planning to stay!

Him....Her

Him: Do you love me?
Her: What?
Him: Do you love me?
Her: You look so serious, is this a real question?
Him: Yes, I am really asking you, do you love me?
Her: Of course I do, what's gotten into you today?
Him: Nothing. I'm just asking you a simple question.
Her: But why do you need to ask. You should know.
Him: Maybe I just need to hear it.
Her: Honey, is everything ok??
Him: I don't believe this, I am asking you a simple question and you are turning it into an interrogation.
Her: Ok, someone's in a bad mood today.
Him: Yes, I am in a bad mood today. Do you want to know why I'm in a bad mood?? Because my wife, the one I married because I fell in love with the moment I set eyes on, is unable to give me a satisfactory answer to a simple question I asked her.
Her: Honey, you asked me and I said of course I do. What's wrong with you??
Him: What's wrong with me! What's wrong with me! Nothing is wrong with me......I just need to hear more love in your answer. Do I have to beg for your love?? You say that I should know...how should I know?? We hardly see each other. You are either at work or with the kids. You are either tired or in a bad mood. I am the least of your priorities. Actually, I don't think I am one of your priorities.
Her: Hmmmm, what else?
Him: What else......are you mocking me?? Can't you even yell back?? Why aren't you reacting?? Where is the passion and enthusiasm that I so loved in you?? Where is the woman that I thought would rock my world every time I looked at her, even after 50 years?
Her: So you would be a happier man if I was yelling at you now??
Him: You know what? I want a divorce.
Her: What??!!!!
Him: You heard me, I want a divorce. I cannot live this lifeless life anymore. I want more passion, more love, I want more.......
Her: Excuse me, but what about what I want?
Him: Sorry?
Her: I want things too you know. Not asking for them doesn't mean I don't want them.
Him: What things?
Her: Well, I want to be thin and gorgeous like before I was when I had OUR children; I want to have enough money not to have to go out and work in a stupid job to help you out with the finances; I want to make love to you because I want to, not because I have to; I want to have time to read, to dance, to dream..........I want all those things and much, much more. But you know what? I am still happy without them, that's the difference between you and me. Just having you and the kids in my life is enough to make me happy.
Him: I am happy.
Her: Yeah right, obviously.
Him: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I have just been extremely frustrated and I didn't want to live this life anymore.
Her: Didn't mean to hurt me!!! Are you out of your mind?? You just asked for a divorce, because I was not yelling back at you. I've just found out the value of our family to you...nothing. You can throw our whole life away, because you want more passion in your life. I don't believe you, I really don't.
Him: That's not what I meant.
Her: Let me ask you, when you hear "I want a divorce", what does that sound like?? Does it sound like someone who doesn't want a divorce?? Does it??
Him: No, what I meant is......
Her: Whatever, forget it.
Him: What do you mean?
Her: I mean forget it. Forget we ever had this conversation. There's no point. Nothing will change. I'll stay the same and you will stay the same. Maybe we'll try to fulfill each others needs for a few weeks and then things will get back to the same old way. Let's be realistic. You can't afford a divorce and neither can I. We have the kids to think of. Life will go on. Your needs and my needs are not really the issue here. It's sad, but it's the truth.......and by the way, I really do love you, just in case you were really asking.

The Children

For the past couple of weeks, I have been seeing horrific pictures of blown-up and murdered children on television and on the internet. Pictures of children who should've been playing, painting and jumping around - not blown to bits. The pictures are so heart wrenching that it is impossible not to feel outrage, sadness, depression and frustration....and so many more emotions. The pictures haunt me in my dreams; I think of them every waking moment. And I think of the mothers. How can a mother bear to see her child like that. I cannot even begin to imagine the depth of her suffering.

Imagine yourself a mother, looking down at your child who has just been burnt or lost a limb in an explosion. Your child is crying, reaching out for you, needing the safety and comfort that you have always provided him with. But this time you are completely helpless. You cannot do anything to ease his pain. You are probably screaming yourself, crying out in anguish. My baby is hurt, someone please help him. But nobody can - nobody can take away the pain. He will either die a slow death in front of your eyes, and your heart will bleed for every second of his suffering, or he will live, maimed for life, a shadow of what he might've been if things were different.
How can any mother endure that?

I will not talk politics, I don't care who is right and who is wrong. I don't care who started this war and what the history books say; that is a discussion for someone much more knowledgeable than myself. But I have a right to express the anger I feel when I see such cruelty, such unfairness.

To the mothers who have lost their children in this war, and all the other wars, nothing I can say will ever erase the grief and agony you have been through. I pray for you, I pray that you have the strength to go on living, the will to exist in this mad world that is governed by cruel, heartless people. I pray for you to find peace, to find forgiveness for those who tormented you and stole your happiness. I pray for you everyday.

To the children, the angels that light up every parent's life, no matter how bleak the circumstances are; on behalf of the human race, I apologize. We let you down. You deserve a much better place.

I hope that no mother and no child has to experience this, ever again. Amen.

Safe....with you

I wake up suddenly....scared. Darkness is all around me. I can't move; I am paralyzed with fear. My heart is beating so fast. I am disoriented for a moment...where am I? Why am I scared? Slowly, I realize where I am but I can't figure out why I'm scared. I feel so helpless. I want to cry....I am soooooo scared. I can't shake off the fealing of fear. I need comfort, I need someone..........I need you.
Slowly, I move my arm and reach out to you. I touch your arm tentatively, and then hold on to it firmly. I edge closer until my body is touching yours. I rest my head on your shoulders. I close my eyes, and start breathing slowly. My heart beat slows down. Gradually, the fear lessens. I start relaxing......eventually, I fall asleep.
How could I have ever been scared with you by my side..................

"We can never know the limits of our capabilities until we test them"

Grilled Corn

Cairo (Some years ago)
I wake up to the sound of the street sellers calling out the names of the goods they're selling. The birds on the trees are chirping so loudly, I imagine they are over a hundred birds. I open the window and the soft breeze touches my cheeks....what a beautiful day. My grandma calls out to me that breakfast is ready, of course "foul" sandwiches and home-made pickles on the side. A quick shower, a change of clothes, and then breakfast with my grandma, and probabaly my aunt who comes over to spend the day with us. A lot of juicy gossip and then they're off to the kitchen to start preparing lunch. I am lazy, I talk to my friends on the phone, read a book and watch some television until it's time for lunch - another delicious meal. After lunch, we sit in the balcony enjoying the evening tea and talking some more. The scent of grilled corn fills the place, and I go down to buy some for all of us. By that time, we're joined by the rest of the extended family, my uncle, my cousins, and my parents who usually spend the vacation doing paperwork and decorating our apartment which we will live in one day when we come back to live in Egypt. That's the way it was most of the summer vacation; lazy days and noisy nights and grilled corn.
Cairo (Present time)
I was walking down the street last night and I was overwhelmed by a familiar smell - grilled corn. And then I was overwhelmed by so much more - the memory of how summer used to be, and a reminder of how much I have lost.
Summer is supposed to be a time of happiness and enjoyment. It is that, but it also means other things for me as well. Other things I don't share with anyone, but things that I feel anyway.
How can something as simple as a familiar smell bring up so many repressed feelings and emotions? It was as if I was transported back, to a different time, a different place and different people. The place, my grandma's villa, still stands as it used to before.......but I can't bear to go there anymore. Afterall, what is the value of a place without its inhabitants? Without the laughter, the gossip, the tasty food....it is just an empty space, empty of everything, cold and lonely. Another reminder of the good times that are lost now forever.
I was brought back to the present by my husband's voice asking me if I wanted to buy some grilled corn. I declined. Some other time maybe, but not tonight.
I've had enough grilled corn for one night.

Dear Dad.....

Dear Dad,

I miss you.....so much. I have so many things to tell you. Things that I never got a chance to say before, and now I regret this every single day of my life. I wonder if you've forgiven me, or if you ever understood. I hope so. I find no comfort except in the thought that I was ignorant, I didn't know - I never expected that. I know that's not an excuse, I should've known better, but I really didn't. Sometimes I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to reach out and touch you, see you again, talk to you again. My helplessness suffocates me, and yet I pray that you are hearing my silent apologies. I hope I am reaching you, although I will never find out if I am. I was wrong, many times, I hurt you, many times, but I only realize that now. I did not see your pain then, or maybe I did, but I misunderstood it. The ignorance and pride of the young I guess - but again not an excuse. But I really never meant it. I love you more than you ever knew, but will you ever know now? Do you see me? Do you hear me when I talk to you? Do you feel my pain everytime I reach out but can't find you?
Are you happy? Did you find the peace that you were always searching for but never felt? I hope so. You deserve it. You suffered so much, you had the kindest of hearts - you always gave so much and expected so little in return, and even then you were deprived of what little you needed.
Everytime I remember how selfish I was, I am ashamed. I wish I knew better then. I wish I made you happy. I wish you are proud of me. I wish things were different, but they're not and they never will be.
I have accepted this. I have to accept it. It is God's will, and I have to live with it. What I can't accept is the idea that you may not have known how much I cared, how much you meant to me. That is why I am writing to you this letter. In the hope that, somehow, you will be able to hear me, hear my apologies, hear my love. Maybe it's an attempt at cleansing my soul of all the guilt, maybe after all, this is still a selfish gesture, but I swear to you from the bottom of my heart that every word I wrote is heartfelt. There is still so much more that I haven't written, but my words have failed me. And my courage to reach deeper into myself to extract what I need to say to you is escaping me.
Daddy, I just have to make sure that you know how much I love you, how much I loved you and how much I always will. I kiss your hands.

Papy, same7ny. Ba7ebak awy.

I am bored and depressed and totally and completely stressed out. I am going through a yucky phase. It's been going on for sometime now, and I don't know when it will end. Crossraods. A difficult decision. Or do I just think it's difficult. Maybe it's not such a difficult choice, maybe I'm just creating difficulties for myself. I don't know, I really don't. Usually my approach is to say that God will direct me to the best solution, even if I think it's not. But why am I worried this time? Maybe because I'm too stressed, trying to evaluate my options from every angle. I know that whatever happens will be for the best. I know and believe in God's will. I just need to put a cap on what's bugging me. Ok, I'll try, really, I should. I mean there's no point. What am I gaining out of all this? except more stress. Which I definitely don't need now.

What will be, will be....................
Ché será será...............................

The "sad or happy" post

I have been writing the "sad or happy post" for the past two weeks. Finally, I published it !! I guess I was too sad to finish it......

To judge...or not to judge

This post is inspired by Loulou's post: "Lipstick in my hair".
Judging each other...why are we not more preoccupied with judging ourselves? Why is it much easier for us to pinpoint what is wrong with someone else, but when it comes to looking at our faults and assessing them....we just falter and find it something very difficult to do?
Is this something in our nature, being oblivious to our shortcomings? Or is it just the nature of some of us? Can we control this urge to form an opinion about someone else or is it something uncontrollable?
My personal opinion is that it is controllable! It is......Instead of providing our opinion on what someone should've done but didn't do, why don't we try putting ourslevs in their shoes. We are all human beings......we are all affected by emotions and feelings that are sometimes stronger than any rational thinking. How many times did you offer advice to a friend, but when faced with the same problem, were unable to solve it? The simple reason for that is that it was easy for us to see the solution when our judgement was not clouded by our emotions. I may seem off-topic here, but what I am trying to say is that we shouldn't judge people because we don't know what we would've done if we were in their shoes. Ideally, we shouldn't judge people PERIOD. But I know that that is asking for too much.
Most of my friends tell me that my best quality as a friend is that I'm a good listener. I listen, and if my advice is needed I try to offer it in the nicest way possible. And sometimes, not saying anything is the best you can do. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, there is nothing comforting enough that can be said to make someone feel better. I have been in situations where a friend of mine would be beating herself up for doing something that she shouldn't have done...and at these times, what she needs to hear is that it's ok...it's ok to make a mistake...we are not perfect....don't beat yourself about it.....you are not a bad person.......it's a good thing that at least you realize that you did something wrong, some people never do. Move on...learn from your mistakes...learn from the mistakes of others....grow......and move on.
I'm not saying that we shouldn't form an opinion about things done around us....of course we should. Otherwise, we will never learn. But what I'm saying is that it should not reflect how we view a person. Our opinion should not give us the right to decide if that person is good or bad. Somehow, that would mean that you are a better person...but are you?
A quote comes to mind: "I have never met a man who was not my superior in some particular" (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Sad...or happy?

Some days are really sad....and some are happy, and others are a mixture.
But somehow I have a feeling that most of our days are meant to be sad. Not sad as in crying, weeping and depressed sad. But sad as in reflecting on the misfortune of others, on the tragedies in life...on the meaning of life, and what we're supposed to learn from our experiences.....that's not real sadness, but I call it sad....I don't know why?? Maybe because when I'm in that reflective mood, most of the time I become sad.......or maybe because we're surrounded by sadness most of the time now.
I look around me and find young people dying just because they happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I see my country suffocating beneath the weight of oppression, terrorism, and discrimination. I see people rising in the early morning to go earn a decent living for their children and having their dreams crushed because they can't afford to realize them. I see young men frustrated because they don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. And young women confused because they don't really understand what's happening around them. I see anger, frustration and defeat. I see people dying so young because they don't have the money to get treatment for cancer or heart disease. I see people fighting and killing each other in the name of religion. I see people too busy to give a damn about each other.
What happened?? Are my glasses too dark, or is this the truth? I am not a pessimist by nature; I alway manage to see the full half of the cup. I always try to find the best in the worst situation. Ok, some one please point out to me the best......now!

Have you ever thought,
what you mean to me?
Have you ever known,
how much you can hurt me?
Do you even care??

Terrorism........Damn you!

I am too upset to write anything further.

Missing you..................

A day comes by, and a day passes
The pain is there.....everlasting.....

Daydreaming - Be careful what you wish for.......

A female spends more than three quarters of her life daydreaming. Of course, that's not statistically correct, that' s just my personal opinion. We daydream about the knight in shining armour, we daydream about a day at the spa, or of a new magical pill that will make us lose all those extra pounds...........we daydream of a life where everything is perfect, just the way we like it. Well, is it healthy? To a certain extent of course; afterall, it's a place where we can just forget all about our everyday worries, where we are happy because everything is going the way we plan.......for a few minutes at least, and then we're back to reality and the cycle continues.
I was very big on daydreaming......did all the time, at school, after school, at university, at work, at home...everywhere. Those precious few minutes where the hottest guy in school has actually chosen me to take to the prom.....or where I've aced all my exams and come in the top ten in university, or where my heart has beaten for the first time and the feeling is reciprocated, or where top management has suddenly decided that I am management material and I definitely need to be promoted.....that was taking it to the limit, don't you think...:) But seriously, haven't we all gone through that...haven't we all tailored our dreams to be the perfect, unblemished clone of our reality? Don't we always have a solution in our dreams to whatever is going wrong in our life? But you know what?? maybe that's not always a good thing.....
There's a real life story I read in a newspaper a while back, that has remained with me since then, and has affected very much my idea of daydreaming. A woman wrote that she has been married to her husband for 15 years and that they were very much in love. Ten years into their marriage, her husband had an accident that left him crippled and unable to work. So, with three kids to feed and send to school, she had to go out to work to provide for the family, as her husband was unable to find work suitable to his condition. Her days began very early, where she had to go to work, come back late in the afternoon, cook, clean, do the laundry, help the kids with their homework, and spend time with her husband, who was always grouchy because of the guilt and complicated feelings that came with someone going through such an ordeal. He was also unable to perform his marital duties. She was worn out physically and emotionally. Her only moments of peace were right before she fell asleep. She used to daydream to escape her reality. Her day dream was the same every day. She used to dream that her husband had died- not divorced him because she loved him and would never divorce him- and that a very wealthy man had showed up right after that to tell her that he had loved her for a long time and wanted to marry her. She would agree to marry him, leave work, get servants, buy lots of clothes and jewellery, send her children to the best schools, and enjoy a wonderful and loving relationship with her new husband. Her dream would end every day on that happy note, and she would fall asleep peacefully.
Suddenly, her husband died.......... not in her daydream, but in her real life. And she was devastated. She could not function, she felt that her whole world had collapsed. The love of her life had died....the father of her children.........her companion of fifteen years....the only man she ever wanted. And she remembered her day dream........and the guilt was just about enough to kill her.
Of course, the editor of the newspaper tried to tell her not to feel bad, that there was no way she could've known that this would happen, and so on. But the story touched me so much.....I wanted to reach out to this woman, I wanted to take the pain away.....but I couldn't of course. No body could.....she had to make peace with herself on her own........I don't judge her for having that dream......I don't think that she is a bad person............I never really believed that she wanted her husband to die. I know that it was only a dream to escape........just like all our day dreams......we were just lucky......our dreams did not come true.....
Unfortunately, hers did........

Holding Back

When I first started this blog, I thought that I would have so much to write, that I won't have time to do anything else. But I've found that I am still holding back....don't know why. Maybe because after reading several blogs avidly for the past month, I have found that I have come to know the people who write in them so well......maybe more than if I knew them in person. I feel that writing your thoughts, your beliefs, excerpts from your daily life for people to read may paint a clearer picture of who you really are, than interacting with co-workers, or with family members you have hardly anything in common with. It's strange, but writing actually does that. Maybe we're more open when we write, or maybe we can express ourselves more through written words than spoken ones. Or maybe we're just braver when we're hiding in cyberspace. Or maybe it's just me........
Or maybe it's because I haven't really determined the identity of my blog. I mean, will I write anything that comes to mind?? Will I talk about my life?? Will I express my political and cultural views....or will it be a combination of all....I guess so far it's a combination.......I guess I'll stick with combination......anyway, we'll see.
I'm actually feeling better now ........I think I like blogging ;)

Nostalgia

Something is pulling me back....something so powerful...I am resisiting...but there is such a bittersweet feeling that cannot be ignored. I know I can control it.....that urge to be repossesed by the memories....but I don't want to...I want to succumb to that feeling...even if for just a little while...enjoy it...mellow in it's peacefulness....
But suddenly, it's not peaceful anymore...it's painful...so painful that I can actually feel it physically. An ache so profound, I cannot overcome it even if I tried. And then it's peaceful again....and I have the choice to ignore it.
But again...I choose not to................

In the Twilight

In the Twilight,
There is no doubt,
That hearts will soften,
And souls enlighten

Let us join hands,
Under the clear sky,
And pray for blessings,
And ask no more

Love and Tenderness,
That's all we need,
To change the world,
And beat the worst

Our time has passed,
The light has gone,
Reality is back,
And it's far too late...........

Lies

I am so sick and tired of them. The lies.......the deceit...the backstabbing. When will it ever end. Why do people do that. To advance in their career...to earn more money?? What is this? Doesn't anyone understand the true meaning of life. It's not worth it...none of it. Why can't we just be good to each other. Why can't we be honest.....We can't be perfect of course. But, why can't we try to strive for something just a bit less. Why lose a friend or a colleague willingly, why give up someone's love for something materialistic....or not even that...for something utterly and completely self-serving, even of it is the feeling of superiority. There's nothing wrong with ambition.....nothing wrong with trying to better yourself. Do your best, be honest and ethical....and in the end you will be rewarded. Maybe not with a huge paycheck, or an impressive title....but at least with people's love and respect.

Maybe I'm talking of an ideal world......but I truly believe that's the way we should act. We will make mistakes...we will hurt each other every now and then......but we will not mean it...it just happens because we are human beings susceptible to making mistakes....but not because we meant it.

People around me never ceaze to amaze me. I learn something every day from just watching them act and react. But sometimes, somethings are too much for me to comprehend. Sometimes, I cannot put myself in their shoes......I just can't....I keep asking why?? why?? why was that necessary?? why did she have to shout at her....why did he have to hurt her?? why? It doesn't make any sense.

How can someone know you for so long...and still misunderstand your intentions. Not misunderstand an action....but the whole intention behind the action.....How is that so?? Do I have to prove myself to you everyday?? Don't you know me by now? That is just not me....I would never think like that....let alone act on it.......no way. You should've known better. But I forgive you....surrounded by all the lies and deceit in this world......you have no choice but to believe anything....however much unexpected it may be.

I just want people to remember that....what goes around, comes around.

A New Experience

I was just introduced to the World of blogging yesterday. And I loved it. I loved the idea of being able to express my feelings with complete freedom......and I love to write. I used to write, all the time, pour my heart out. But then, my heart was light....not anymore. So I stopped. But now, I am ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I allowed myself to hybernate.....to lose touch wth my inner being. All of you bloggers inspired me. And I thank you....from the bottom of my heart.