Divorce

Divorce is hard. There is no other word to describe it. No matter how amicable the separation is, no matter the amount of mutual respect shared, no matter how much you know that it is for the best….it is still hard. It is still hard to end a relationship where you took vows to be together forever…whatever forever stands for. It is hard to sleep in a bed that was once shared and is now empty. It is hard to remember that this person can no longer touch you, can no longer hold you…..even though this person can also never hurt you anymore, you still feel bad that it’s over. You still feel bad that you are starting all over again, as if what happened didn’t matter, never mattered, and will no longer matter. It is hard to think back and remember a moment that was sweet, as much as it is hard to think back and remember a moment that was bitter.
It is hard because there was once a love shared, a child raised, a worry spoken out loud….there were once promises made, dreams revealed. There was a future, and there was a past. There was no unknown. There was no guilt. There was no “what ifs”. And then there’s the collateral damage. The other parties involved in the equation. The children, the spouse, the in-laws. There’s the constant admonition of yourself for what you did wrong and what you could’ve done right. There’s the constant fear that you may have scarred someone irrevocably , the constant fear that what goes around comes around. There’s the fear that maybe it’s all in your head and you didn’t try hard enough. And the guilt, the guilt, the guilt.
There’s the shattered self esteem, the sense of failure, the sense of loss. There’s the emotional baggage that no matter how hard you try to understand, you can’t. Because it’s too complicated. It’s an interwoven web of feelings and emotions, some old – some new, some clear – some hidden, some true – some fake.
And then there’s you being an emotional burden on all those that surround you. It’s as if life has ceased to exist for everyone around you and you can only focus on yourself. Because every day you go through an emotional or logistical crisis, sometimes minor ones and others catastrophic. And you always have to be rational. Because you’ve lost a lot, and you can’t lose anymore. But you’re drained. There’s nothing left to give. But you have to charge up and give some more – for all the others involved in the equation. You’re still the pivotal point that has to hold it altogether. So you try and you try. And your friends come in lower priority. Even though they have been your support system – they are the first ones to suffer from your lack of interest in life. And because you can’t afford to lose more than you’ve already lost…..and it goes on and on.
And then there’s the neediness. The part you hate most. The vulnerability. Because you’re not used to that. You’re used to being in control. Being in charge. But now you’re needy – and you hate it so much so you try to hide it. But it shows up when you do things you usually don’t. And you’re lucky if you’re needy with people who understand – people who don’t come and rub it in your face when you’re down….you hate yourself if that ever happens, but it does and it will. But to all his dues – what goes around, comes around.
And then there’s the guilt….again and again and again.
Divorce is hard.

Lonely

I'm lonely. For the first time in my entire life, I am admitting it to myself. I am incredibly lonely. And I realize now that I have been lonely most of my life. One of the few things he ever got right was when he saw my photographs as a child and he mentioned that I wasn't smiling in any of them. And yes that's true....I don't remember ever being happy back then - happy...what does that word even mean? And when I smiled, I smiled a sad smile. I actually laugh and smile more now as an adult - which is even sadder. I don't feel sorry for myself; I'm just wondering if this is something ingrained in my genes....the inability to be happy. Maybe it's me - maybe I just don't have it in me. I mean, same time last year, I was surrounded by more people than I could count on two hands, and I felt lonely. And today, I am all alone, and I also feel lonely. Is there no pleasing me. Am I incapable of attracting happiness? Or am I incapable of appreciating the good things in my life? Or am I too screwed up to realize what it is that would really make me not feel lonely....what would make me happy?
I am searching for the answer to a question that is the key to all my being, and I can't figure it out. Will I always want what I can't have, and as soon as I have it not want it? Is this the science of life, or the science of me? What the hell do I want??!!! This question is driving me nuts! The only way to answer it is by getting to know myself more....honestly....not who I would like to be, but who I really am....the scary part is...what if I don't like who I am?
Why am I lonely? Why hasn't anyone penetrated this shell...broken it....taken over it? Is it because I haven't met that person yet? Or is it because I would never ever let anyone do that? Why am I even doing this? I have to stop being too self centered....the world does not revolve around me - the world does not revolve around me - the world does not revolve around me.
I'll keep reminding myself of that.

Sacrifices

I don't believe in them.....because in the end, there's always a price. Nothing is for free.

New Year's Resolutions - "More of a checklist:)"

In no specific order:

1. Get the car maintenance scheduled and done


2. Learn how to change a flat tire


3. Get DD enrolled in tennis and/or guitar class


4. Get a grip on my career


5. Seriously work on my business project


6. Maintain and/or lose some weight


7. Get necessary medical checkups


8. Work out regularly


9. Manage my time better


10. Maintain my prayers


11. Read more


12. Write more


13. Think of studying something new


14. Do something purely for charity, just to please God, no personal satisfaction whatsoever


15. Get a grip on my life (which probably includes all the above and below)


16. Make sure my kids are happy and healthy


17. Buy a flat screen


18. Fix the kitchen gas connection


19. Travel somewhere (preferably somewhere I haven't been to before)


20. File and catalogue all my papers and documents


21. Look for a new place to live (extended over a 3 year period and subject to financial circumstances)


22. Focus more attention on my friends and quit being so self involved


23. Resume working on my novel


24. Ride a motorbike (don't know how but I really want to)


25. Start saving money


26. Spend more time with my kids


27. Hang the oil paintings on the wall


28. And last but not least.......NOT GET INVOLVED WITH A MAN

Please please please God make it a good year. Please give me the strength to do all the above and even more. Please help me achieve my dreams. Please guide me, don't leave me, even if I haven't lived up to your expectations. I need you. And I believe in you so much. And I know you believe in me too.

Please.....don't clip my wings.

Not a heartbreaker?

Am I really not? Or am I kidding myself?
And even though I thought it would be simple it didn't turn out to be....am I that dumb or that simple or that naive or that stupid! Or am I just kidding myself and using people for my benefit until it gets serious and then I want to bail. But no....I refuse to believe that I am a heartbreaker!! I am not....I want it simple and easy....I want it beautiful and genuine....I want it to last....I want a friendship, a good time....I want companionship....I want release.....I want to listen and be heard....I want it simple!!!! Why the hell does it always have to be so complicated???
Why does someone always have to get hurt? Actually, everyone gets hurt in this formula....the giver, the taker, the winner, the loser....all the same no difference. Nobody wins - what difference does it make? Why am I still even asking? What's the point?
There's no "just" fooling around....because in the end somebody gets fooled.....and unfortunately, so far, it hasn't been me. I don't want to be a heartbreaker.
I'm done.

Missing you

There's an emptiness in my soul that I'm trying to resist. I'm missing you but I don't want you to know. I feel a slow death creeping slowly...I'm resisting that too. I don't even know what I feel for you. I don't think it's love. Love would be more complete. But I'm living my life completely without you. Am I just filling my time? Am I just pretending I don't care? Or do I want to live a story that doesn't even exist? What's that hold you have on me? Why can't I let go when everything is telling me I should. But I'm not even holding on. The farther you go, the more I want to bring you back. The farther I go, the harder you try to bring me back. Is it a game? Are we that sick and demented? Or are we that vulnerable?
What is love? It's an emotion I don't think I possess anymore - maybe I never even possessed. It's all an illusion....a fantasy. There's passion, there's desire, there's need....but there is no love. The pure, innocent, love you more than life type of love.....I don't believe in it anymore. We can all live without love - we can all get over our stories. After all, they're just stories...weaved from our imagination, derived from our weaknesses, fed by our needs. But they're only stories - not real.... not true.
But I'm still missing you........

This post is just to confirm that endings are very sad. And ugly. And hurtful. And someone has to be the villian. I guess this is the way things are. No point in trying to change them. So, you want something to end? Well, bear the brunt of it. Suffer the consequences. Know that you are hated by all the people that loved you before. Yes!!! Isn't this the ending you sought? Then why the hell are you sad now? Well, yes I wanted it to end....but it did it have to end in such a tragic way? Couldn't we have been civilized? Why the HELL NOT????? Does someone have an answer? Probably not.

As for begininngs....well....scary is the understatement of the year. And I'm not even there yet.

يا قلبى....

ماذا تريد يا قلبى هيا افتنى...سئمت ترددك....سئمت ضعفك امام عقلى...سئمت انسياقك خلف الضمير.
قل لى يا قلبى ماذا تريد...
هل تستطيع الحياة بدون الحب المنتهى؟
هل ستكتفى بالفتات و تلتقط ما تستطيع من العشاق؟
أم ستأبى و تصرخ طلبا للنجاة؟
هيا يا قلبى افتنى...
سئمتك سئمتك سئمتك مثلما سئمت كل أنواع الهوى

Beginning, Middle, and End.....

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what Momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will....." Hope Floats movie.
I saw this movie only once, but this quote has been stuck with me ever since. The amount of truth in it is staggering. Right now, I feel that I'm just starting to overcome my childhood. But I'm in the three stages all at once. I'm in the middle, but it's also a new beginning with a very sad ending. How can I handle that? The thoughts in my head are running around all at once. Confusion, determination, guilt, relief, and then belief and determination once again. There's also the tiniest trace of fear - fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of venegance.....At times, I'm so sure that I'm doing the right thing. That I am actually being selfless in my desires. Thinking of myself but also thinking of others. Not taking the easy way out. But taking the hardest way out. And then there is the question of identity - is this a lost identity trying to find itself? Or is this an identity that is losing itself? Who am I? What do I want? Am I really broken? I pause and think, and if I am honest with myself - yes I am broken. Even if I don't like the real me. The me who can be broken and who cannot endure forever. The me who wants to be selfish and thinks it's ok to be so. The me who has desires and needs, and doesn't think it's ok to ignore them anymore. But who was I? Why was I so scared of who I really am? Why did I bury all these desires and needs for so long? Why did I pretend I was happy when I was not? Why did I settle for less than what satisfies me? And why am I not settling anymore? Was it a fear of the Divine? Was I taking a path of purity that I could not maintain? Or was I just a normal human being that did not understand her capabilities and limitations, and now I do? But does even knowing that make me feel better? Am I a better or a worse person? Should I even care to know the answer to this question?
I am who I am. I just need to find out who that person is.

A story of a girl

This is the story of a girl who fell in love when she shouldn't have. She didn't even know if what she felt was love...infatuation...desire....or something else entirely. All she knew was that she wanted to see him all the time. To look in his eyes all the time. To be possessed by him all the time. All she knew was that she was willing to risk everything just to be held by him; just to lie in his arms; just to taste his lips. All she knew is that she loved listening to his stories, no matter how many times he repeated them. That she loved to hear his voice. That she wanted to taste his tears...swallow them....make sure he never cries again. All she knew was that when he looked at her....that deep loving look, everything seemed ok. Everything was possible. Everything was safe. All she knew she felt for sure was that he didn't love her back. All she knew was that he didn't belong to her. Although she could see herself carrying his children. Although she could see herself stroking his hair late into the night. Although she could see herself kissing his lips everyday. Although she could see herself growing beautiful by the minute....if only he loved her back. This is the story of a girl who had everything to lose and nothing to gain. This is the story of a girl who wanted to lose it all and only gain the one thing she couldn't have. This is the story that is as old as the world and as new as the morning dew. This is the story that is like all love stories......a story that has the same beginning but a different ending......every single time.

The Rollercoaster

The rollercoaster ride is so exhilarating.....it's a rush like no other rush. You want to scream, you want to laugh, and you want to cry all at the same time. And when it's done, you want to ride all over again. Even though you were really scared during the ride....even though you were hanging upside down most of the time; all you remember is the rush.
I wonder if that's what I'll feel after this rollercoaster ride. Although the rush is not the dominant feeling right now. I feel all the confusion, all the fear, all the uncertainty of coming out of it unscathed. But I don't feel the rush yet.
I can't wait to find out the state I'll be in when it's over....I just hope it's the one I'm wishing for....