Out of the womb of lifelong misery, I emerged. Lost, confused, and doubtful. Unsure of what I wanted or where I was heading. Unsure of the reasons of why I was running away from the self that I had known for years. Standing alone amidst the denial, the outrage, and the humiliation of having no tangible explanation. Looking back and seeing a dark tunnel, but looking ahead and seeing a vast nothingness. Numb and trembling with fear. Overwhelmed with guilt, hurt, and regret. Unable to communicate with those who were closest, but talking easily with strangers. Worn out by the memories of a life that seems so foreign now. Resisting all attempts at driving me back to where I ran from. Resentful and bitter. At times screaming in rage, other times weeping silently, and mostly just breaking inside slowly and painfully. Looking around in the eyes surrounding me for any glimpse of compassion or understanding. Hurt beyond words from all the accusations flying around. Stunned by the reaction of those I thought dearest. Touched by the attempts of kindness from kindred souls; souls that could see beyond the surface and touch the heart.
Standing alone, broken and scared, I faced it all. With no guarantee, no affirmation that I was doing what needed to be done. The only conviction being a choice between life or death. Fight to survive, or surrender and wither slowly. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else made sense. The details blurred by time. The pain subdued by choice. The battle fought through an iron will. A will to prove them all wrong. A will to not only survive but to shine. The only tool was faith. Faith that this could not be what it is all about. Faith that this is not the only life I could have. Faith that I know better, that I deserve better. That out of my battered past life, I can create wisdom, success and happiness. That I was not an object owned by people. That I was not their property to move around as they so wished. That I had a beating heart, and a thinking mind. That I could do "IT". "IT" being a blur did not matter so much as the possibilities of what it could be. What it could mean. What the future held. Armed with only my faith, I sailed against the wind, against all odds. I survived the accusations. I survived the hurtful words. I survived the degrading labels.
I did not let them break me. I did not let them make me. For the first time in my life, I believed in my potential. I believed in my strength. I believed in my logic. I believed in my heart of hearts. I blocked my ears and moved on. Occasionally breaking down. Occasionally lost and wandering aimlessly. Occasionally used and abused. But never ever giving in. Picking up myself over and over again. Until I stood tall. Until I held my head up high. Until I achieved what mattered the most. Until I saw the love in the eyes that mattered most. Until I proved that I was not right, but was not wrong either. Until I proved that I needed no one. That I could do "IT" all on my own.
Today, I look back and I thank each and every one who doubted me. I am not where I want to be yet. But you have taught me to believe in myself against all odds. To have confidence where there is none visible. To hold my head up high when everyone wants me to bow. You have taught me more about life than you can ever imagine possible. Because of you, I have learned to love me.
Today, I am grateful as I have never been before. I am grateful for the chance of another life. A life that I choose for myself and no one forces on me. A life where I can be just "me", with all the highs, all the lows, all the challenges, and all the happiness. I am grateful for learning that inner peace does exist. That I can live without guilt. That I am free.
I embrace life with all its possibilities. I open my mind and heart to all that it has to offer. I welcome the chances I used to miss, and I welcome the hardships with the faith of a believer.
Every new day is a chance for me to learn something new. Every new day teaches me a lesson, sometimes about myself, sometimes about others, but always about life. Every new day brings me peace that I have never experienced before. I love life and all it has to offer. And I can't wait to live it to the fullest.
I look back, and smile at the sadness. I look back, and smile at the sweet memories. I hold no bitterness no more. Every scar has made me who I am today. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
Every single day, I am thankful for being reborn.
Standing alone, broken and scared, I faced it all. With no guarantee, no affirmation that I was doing what needed to be done. The only conviction being a choice between life or death. Fight to survive, or surrender and wither slowly. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else made sense. The details blurred by time. The pain subdued by choice. The battle fought through an iron will. A will to prove them all wrong. A will to not only survive but to shine. The only tool was faith. Faith that this could not be what it is all about. Faith that this is not the only life I could have. Faith that I know better, that I deserve better. That out of my battered past life, I can create wisdom, success and happiness. That I was not an object owned by people. That I was not their property to move around as they so wished. That I had a beating heart, and a thinking mind. That I could do "IT". "IT" being a blur did not matter so much as the possibilities of what it could be. What it could mean. What the future held. Armed with only my faith, I sailed against the wind, against all odds. I survived the accusations. I survived the hurtful words. I survived the degrading labels.
I did not let them break me. I did not let them make me. For the first time in my life, I believed in my potential. I believed in my strength. I believed in my logic. I believed in my heart of hearts. I blocked my ears and moved on. Occasionally breaking down. Occasionally lost and wandering aimlessly. Occasionally used and abused. But never ever giving in. Picking up myself over and over again. Until I stood tall. Until I held my head up high. Until I achieved what mattered the most. Until I saw the love in the eyes that mattered most. Until I proved that I was not right, but was not wrong either. Until I proved that I needed no one. That I could do "IT" all on my own.
Today, I look back and I thank each and every one who doubted me. I am not where I want to be yet. But you have taught me to believe in myself against all odds. To have confidence where there is none visible. To hold my head up high when everyone wants me to bow. You have taught me more about life than you can ever imagine possible. Because of you, I have learned to love me.
Today, I am grateful as I have never been before. I am grateful for the chance of another life. A life that I choose for myself and no one forces on me. A life where I can be just "me", with all the highs, all the lows, all the challenges, and all the happiness. I am grateful for learning that inner peace does exist. That I can live without guilt. That I am free.
I embrace life with all its possibilities. I open my mind and heart to all that it has to offer. I welcome the chances I used to miss, and I welcome the hardships with the faith of a believer.
Every new day is a chance for me to learn something new. Every new day teaches me a lesson, sometimes about myself, sometimes about others, but always about life. Every new day brings me peace that I have never experienced before. I love life and all it has to offer. And I can't wait to live it to the fullest.
I look back, and smile at the sadness. I look back, and smile at the sweet memories. I hold no bitterness no more. Every scar has made me who I am today. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
Every single day, I am thankful for being reborn.
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