Buried

I want to find love in my heart for you. I want to remember you without pain. I want to miss you without anger. 

I can't find the fond memories in the midst of all the abuse. I can't untangle the fog around my lost innocence. I can't surrender the child that never existed because you didn't allow her to. 

You took everything and left me wanting. 

You scarred me so deeply, I can't find the wound to heal it. 

And here I am, pouring alcohol all over my soul, and it doesn't just burn, it scalds. 

I want to forgive you. 

But I can't. 

Mute

I wish I could tell you how much it hurts. I wish I could tell you how scary it is. I wish I could tell you how torn I feel. 

I wish I could tell you to stay away and mean it. 

I wish I could tell you to stay and believe it.

I wish I could tell you that it is you and only you, and that that is my blessing and my curse. 

I wish I could hate you. 

Abandonment

The crippling after effects. The curled up fetal position where even the slightest twitch of a muscle requires a will of steel. 

My frozen fingers refusing to write. My foggy mind wandering between valleys of despair out of breath. My emotions stuck somewhere unapproachable. 

And you trick me every single time. You open the door and then slam it shut in my face. My chafed knuckles tell the story of my dire attempts. I pry open and oil the hinges, you lead me out and bolt the locks. 

Misty mornings and rainy nights. 

And I walk away. 

The guilty echo trailing my path, hissing to remind me that quitters quit. And I believe it and welcome the guilt with open arms. My companion and partner in crime. 

"You could've stayed, you left by choice". 

Abandonment comes in many forms.  

I'd take mine over yours every time. 

You leave me wondering.  

You leave me lost. 

You leave me balled up with a frosty heart. 

And when it thaws, 

You leave me again.