Foolish beat

He hadn't changed much. Just some lines around his eyes. He'd always had those, but now they were deeper. He'd gained a bit of weight, but with his muscular build, it wasn't that obvious. Only she could tell. His every detail was etched in her memory. She smiled and extended her hand to shake his. He took it.

                                                         ***********

Her eyes. They were still the first thing that had caught his attention. He'd blinked when he'd seen them, unsure of whether he was imagining things or if it were really her. And then she'd moved toward him and smiled and he'd known it was her. And now he held her hand in his, and matched her smile with one of his own.

"Hi. It's so good to see you." She spoke first.
"Yes, it's been so long. Almost..."
"7 years and two months." She interrupted.

7 years. How was that possible? Looking at her now, he could have sworn he'd just held her in his arms yesterday. Her quiet serenity, her lady like demeanor, her radiant smile, they were all the same, still there, still as genuine as they'd always been. And her dress. She was draped in white silk from head to toe, only her shoulders and arms were bare, giving her an angelic aura that was hard to miss. The pearls at her throat accentuated the slenderness of her neck, making him want to lean in and kiss it, just like he'd done in the past.

                                                       ***********

7 years. How had she lived without him all those years? Oh, she'd been happy, but never as happy as she'd been with him. The moment they had decided to part, was the moment she had known she'd never be able to fall in a love so complete, so fulfilling, so gratifying. His eyes. They still held her captive as she gazed at him, trying to prolong those precious minutes for as long as she could. They'd crossed paths again, so unexpectedly, and she wanted to savor his presence before she was denied it one more time. She'd kept track of him for a few years, but then it had gotten more and more difficult as time passed. She wondered now if he'd done the same.

"Let's dance." He interrupted her thoughts.
"Oh..." She blushed. "Are you here alone?"
"Yes, I am. Are you?" He knew she was fishing for more information. So was he.
"Yes." She lowered her lashes quickly before he could see how nervous she felt. She knew, that as always, her eyes would give her away.

His arm circled her waist, as he led her to the dance floor. She placed her arms around his neck and he held her close as they swayed to the music. The comfort of their embrace revoked bittersweet memories, and she sighed inwardly.

"How have you been?" He asked.
"I've been okay." She whispered softly, emotion choking her voice.
"You're always okay." He answered, softly touching her cheek with the back of his hand, and looking deeply into her eyes.

And with that, she placed her head on his shoulder, closed her eyes, and edged closer to him, as he tightened his arms around her.

Sunflower

The tears dropped slowly. One following the other. Like lonely pearls dislodged from their shell, loath to leave their shelter, unwilling to expose their sheen.
She didn't wipe them away. She let them fall with abundance. They served no purpose. They had no destination. She didn't even care if they stained her shirt. She knew that even the stain of her tears will disappear, just like everything else she held dear.
Like a chisel. The words, the hurt, the deprivation. Like a chisel, they chipped away at her surface. Disfiguring her, leaving her flawed and blemished.
Like a rocking chair she held on. Swinging back and forth. Making it seem like a joy when there was none.

"But the sunflower always faced the sun." he'd said, expecting her to understand, exasperated that she hadn't.
She still wondered what he'd meant.
She was still ardently searching for an explanation, secretly hoping that he'd come back and enlighten her.

Because until then, the stem would remain bent.  

Karma

How can I stop the stream of thoughts that lead to nowhere? How can I stop blaming myself for a wrong choice many years ago that you are now paying its dues? How can I rest assured that you will turn out without scars? 

How can I take away the pain inside your little heart?

I look at you and imagine what your life would've been like if I had been wiser. Are you the best possible version of yourself, or will I live to regret being your mother?

Nothing in this cruel world we live in has the ability to break me except your pain. Absolutely nothing. I fall, and get back up, ready for another struggle, with a smile on my face, and a determination stronger than the one preceding it. But now I find myself battered and beaten. Now I find myself looking at your angelic face and cursing myself every moment of my waking day. Now I find myself unable to feel anything, to care about anything, to appreciate anything. 

I want nothing more than to take your pain away. I want nothing more than to give you the sense of security you have lost. I want to reassure you that mummy will always be there for you until the last breath leaves my body. But is this even enough for you?

My little sunshine. My smiling doll. My precious baby. Please be well. Please get past this. Please be as strong as I pray for you to be.

Be my Karma.

Breathe

Breathe. In. Out. Slowly.
But the images wouldn't go away. Purple screams and yellow tears. She had no clue why she was thinking in colors. But she could not hear the sobs, only see them. She could not feel the pain, only imagine it.
She ran faster and faster. And she breathed.
She broke a branch, solemnly discarded from its tree. She wiped away the drops of sweat from her forehead, carelessly falling in her eyes, blinding her to reality. Her hair flying behind her like a mad woman, like a Goddess possessed.
And she breathed.
She couldn't stop. She had to keep running until the rays of purple and yellow faded. They were still there, as bright as sunlight slanting on a deserted beach; as sharp as a knife jabbed in her insides, twisting and turning without mercy. Still, she couldn't stop.
All she had to remember was to breathe.
Until the colors died.
Until the running stopped.

Until she cleansed her soul.