Twisted

It kept eluding her. Her inability to fall completely in love. Her self restraint. Her impulsive control over her feelings, with the most minimal of efforts. It bothered her. Looking around her, it did not seem normal. Even though she'd never craved normal, this one inadequacy plagued her thoughts. Clouded her inner peace. She kept wondering what she was missing. She even tried to force herself to surrender completely to her emotions. But the more she tried, the more she encountered detachment. The more she sought an ever lasting love story, the more she was overcome with apathy.
It was the one trait she was unwilling to accept. Because that would mean she was cold and heartless. Because that would mean she was manipulative and calculating. Even though she wasn't.

Even though she thought she wasn't.

Fork in the road

She paused, with her hand on the doorknob. She always trusted her instinct. It never failed her. Right now, she fervently wished it would. She wanted so much to be wrong. She wanted so much to be delusional. Try as she might, her gut instinct told her that if she turned that doorknob, and pushed open that door, she would become a broken woman.
She took a step back. A subtle step, hardly noticeable if anyone had been watching. Her eyes filled up with sudden tears. Her breath came in short puffs, doing nothing to nourish her startled thoughts. She waveringly thought of how her life would change in an instant. She hesitantly contemplated her options. She slowly tried to collect her scattered emotions.
And then the memories started scouring her soul. Mostly joyful memories. Nothing bitter, nor hurtful about them. No memory painful enough to make her want to take another step towards what she felt she knew, but refused to acknowledge.
She removed her hand. It was cool, after losing all its warmth to that cold metal. She rested it on her heart and took a deep breath. It was touch and go. She couldn't just stand there forever. All she had to do was reach out her hand again and push open that door with all the courage she could muster. And surrender her destiny to fate.
She nodded her head, feeling confident.
And then turned around and walked away.

Hindsight

She paused to take her breath. Leaning against the side of the car, she closed her eyes and breathed deeply, trying to quieten her racing heart. It didn't work. She had no explanation. No reasoning. It was too late already. It had happened. She knew, it was that split second when their eyes had met. That moment when she'd let her guard down, willingly.

She'd lifted her eyes to his. Knowing that it was too risky, yet challenging her insecurities. With hesitation that had lasted for seconds, yet had seemed like an eternity, she'd raised her head and looked up. Directing her gaze in a straight line of vision. She'd not flinched, even though all her senses had been quivering with the anticipation of what she might uncover.

She'd known she'd find questions, not answers. But she hadn't bargained on the depth and intensity of those questions. She'd known she'd be mesmerized, but she hadn't been prepared for just how much. She'd known she'd find a longing for redemption, but she hadn't understood just how much guilt and regret she'd encounter.She'd known she'd find a silent plea, but she hadn't known what that plea would hold.

And in that exact moment when their eyes had connected, she'd silently whispered the answers. And she'd looked away, already giving away too much, too early.

Her heart was still racing, but she opened her eyes and looked up. There would be time to look back and reflect on that moment. There would be time to cherish it. There would be time to miss it.

But not now. Now, was the time to be real.