The Awakening

Dimmed lights. A flickering candle. A scent and a breeze. A step forward. Lightly. Closed eyes. A tickling. A teasing. A white soft feather barely touching its tip to skin so soft. A sudden slight shiver. A step back.
Eyes opening. Daring. Discovering. Curious. Hopeful? Not so much. The utter impossibility of minimum expectaions thrives on the challenge. The inadequacy of responding gives way to the adventure of exploring mysterious boundaries. A temptation that is hard to resist.
A smile that keeps reappearing imposing its presence.
Rays of light tenderly making their way through curving valleys and sloping hills. The breeze giving way to a startling wind. Serenity knocks its door on closed ears.
The awakening is yet to come. Uninvited.

Forever

I want to roam without a purpose. Travel without a destination. Discover without a goal. Close my eyes and dream. Soar high up above my limits. I want to spread my arms and smile. I want to dance and sway to the music. I want the wind to blow away my hair; to sweep me off my feet. I want to run like a little child; laugh loudly and mean it. I want the world at my fingertips, adhering to my every desire.
It's not the calm of the sea that arouses me; rather the crashing waves spitting thier foam in my face. It is not the blueness of the sky that fascinates me; but rather the never ending horizon we cannot see. It is not the innocent look that attracts me; but rather the penetrating gaze that entices me. It is not the flowing river of emotions that seduces me; but rather the electrifying chemistry that alludes me.
I am all that you are and all that you are not. I am the coil that doesn't unwind. The mystery that is never solved. The passion that is never resolved.
I am forever and forever will not find me. So seek me not.

Forgive you....not

After all that's been said and done. After all that's been felt and expressed. After the accusations, the blame games, and the bitterness. There is this one thing that it all boils down to. Not that the others don't matter. They do. But they were borne for many years and could've been borne still. Because even though I said there wasn't......there was. Love. Even though I thought there wasn't...now I believe there was. If only for the fact that I can't hate you. After the hurt and the deprivation, I still can't hate you. After the overwhelming sadness and loss, I still forgave you most, but not all. And I never forget.
But you took that one thing away from me. That one thing that I can't forgive nor forget. Every time I take a walk down memory lane, it hurts. Every time a sweet memory reappears, the bitterness surfaces. Every time the calm circles, the anger prevails. Every recall of a positive moment gets overshadowed by negativity. Every happiness that was once felt, is lost to an overbearing yearning. A yearning so profound that it is almost physically painful. Because of this one thing that I can't forgive nor forget.
I don't think I will ever forgive you for that. Not only because of the act, but more so because you knew. You knew. You knew what I would be losing. You knew that I had been always looking for it. You knew how much I wanted it. You knew how much I had been waiting for this my whole life. You knew. You knew because I told you. You knew because I trusted you. You knew because you were the first one to know. You knew.
You took away my home. The only real home I ever knew. The home that was mine. The home that was stable after a lifetime of instability. The home that belonged to me and I belonged to. The home I ran away to. The home that was my escape from multiple pseudo homes. The home that was the family I worked so hard to build. So hard. The walls, the rooms, the closed doors. My home. It was enough. It was worth the tears and the sleepless nights. It was worth the lost identity. It was worth the sacrifices. It was worth it all. My home.
One decision. Just one decision cost me my home. And you knew what that meant to me. You knew. You took away my home. And for that, I will never forgive you. After all that's been said and done.

You will never know the depths of my desires. You will never experience the heights of my passion. You will never conquer me. You will never own me.

You will try so hard. And you will fail.

Trapped

For so long. Words unsaid. Emotions not felt. Confusion that doesn't end. Desires controlled. Wings clipped. But more than that. Aware and unaware. A debate that has been going on forever. Right or left. Black or white. Wrong?? Define wrong. Potential? For what? A dream or a reality. True or an illusion. A belief or a fantasy.
Trapped. In thoughts that do not rest. In questions that have no answers. In a mediocre state that was never sufficient for containment of the wandering mind.
An escape. To a faraway land that does not exist. In dreams that are hard to realize. A release that will never materialize.
A peasant with golden hair. In a rough land with thorns. An outstretched hand without line of vision. A piercing glance that knows no end. A passionate heart and a ruthless mind in constant conflict. A painter, a writer, a magician. Tricks of the mind. Loss of the soul. A gripping fear and raw pain. Contradictions of the ordinary to pursue the extraordinary. A silenced scream.
Break free. Or wither away.....

Mellow

Peaceful. Content. Unpredictable. Incredibly calm. Uncaring. So caring. Confident. In control. Out of control. Hopeful. Optimistic. Not dwelling.
Finally moving on? Maybe.
And yes....just a bit happy.