Too little too much

Maybe some people are destined to be too little of one thing and too much of another.
Maybe this is all a farce and we are being string led through the show, only to not hear any clapping at the end.
Maybe the writers of the world are camouflaged narcissists, hiding behind an illusion of empathy and art.
Maybe we came here to find something, and then we crowded each other into dispersion.
Maybe the gifted ones are not.
Maybe we create false memories to give ourselves an aura of significance.
Maybe we should be sheep, hoarded in numbers, to an undisclosed destination.
Maybe the power of choice is a sophisticated chain, sparkling with fake possibility.
Maybe this is too much.
And maybe it is too little.
And maybe we will never find out.

And that is an unendurable reality. 

Ripple Effect

Along the stream it flows. Just like the entire stream. Just as powerful. Just as subtle. Requiring no recognition or acknowledgement. It just flows. Because it can’t not. It has already been set into motion. 

Willingly? Maybe. 

Haphazardly? Possible. 

Doesn’t matter what set it off. 

What matters is that it won’t stop, just because you want it to. 

You can’t overtake the flow of the stream. You just go with it. 

You can’t halt the ripple effect, except with another one. 

Either way. It wins. 

Rekindled Ashes

All it took was a scorching gaze. A light touch to bare skin. A challenging knead to a tired soul. A fascinating rebuttal to a mundane state. 

She emerged. Like a lioness trapped in the skin of sheep; like a fierce ray of insurmountable energy; like a breathless temptress overcome with lust; she emerged. 

She should’ve never been buried. The hole she had dug as deep as her scars had even fooled her into a lifeless life. A motionless monotony. A chosen captivity. 

The match struck once. 

And she was lit. 

The ashes swirling, engulfing her, coursing through her veins, daring her to disbelieve, mocking her with every thought that’s been prepared to put out the fire in her soul. 

The thoughts faltered and withered with every breath of freedom; with every prick of passion, long denied. 

She smelled it. 

The smoke of rekindled ashes. 

The scent of truth. 

And she breathed again. 

She breathed again.  

Buried

I want to find love in my heart for you. I want to remember you without pain. I want to miss you without anger. 

I can't find the fond memories in the midst of all the abuse. I can't untangle the fog around my lost innocence. I can't surrender the child that never existed because you didn't allow her to. 

You took everything and left me wanting. 

You scarred me so deeply, I can't find the wound to heal it. 

And here I am, pouring alcohol all over my soul, and it doesn't just burn, it scalds. 

I want to forgive you. 

But I can't. 

Mute

I wish I could tell you how much it hurts. I wish I could tell you how scary it is. I wish I could tell you how torn I feel. 

I wish I could tell you to stay away and mean it. 

I wish I could tell you to stay and believe it.

I wish I could tell you that it is you and only you, and that that is my blessing and my curse. 

I wish I could hate you. 

Abandonment

The crippling after effects. The curled up fetal position where even the slightest twitch of a muscle requires a will of steel. 

My frozen fingers refusing to write. My foggy mind wandering between valleys of despair out of breath. My emotions stuck somewhere unapproachable. 

And you trick me every single time. You open the door and then slam it shut in my face. My chafed knuckles tell the story of my dire attempts. I pry open and oil the hinges, you lead me out and bolt the locks. 

Misty mornings and rainy nights. 

And I walk away. 

The guilty echo trailing my path, hissing to remind me that quitters quit. And I believe it and welcome the guilt with open arms. My companion and partner in crime. 

"You could've stayed, you left by choice". 

Abandonment comes in many forms.  

I'd take mine over yours every time. 

You leave me wondering.  

You leave me lost. 

You leave me balled up with a frosty heart. 

And when it thaws, 

You leave me again. 

I love you

I love you.
Beyond logic and reason and right and wrong.
I love you.
Beyond anything that says I shouldn't.
I love you.
And I don't know how to unlove you.