The walls

Built them slowly. One brick at a time. Jagged, smooth, black, colourful, symmetrical, assymmetrical. Not sad. Not special. Just numb. Numb walls that silence the longing. Soundproof to drown out the cries of passion. Waterproof to expel the tears that try to push thier way through the cracks to flow endlessly. Sincere. Not hard nor ruthless. Cold? Sometimes. Indifferent? Mostly.
The light shines through them though. To illuminate. The heart still sees what the eyes choose to miss. The heart sees but does not feel. The heart learns but does not ache. The heart enjoys but does not hope. The heart smiles its sad smile. The heart always smiles. Never giving up. The heart believes what the mind denies. The endless struggle taking its toll on its beholder. Worn out by time. Restless by nature.
Flowing like the soft currents in the river. Peaceful. Moving. The rays of the sun reflected. Sometimes glowing. Other times dull. But always there. Constant as time. Reliable.
Broken and fixed every single time.
The walls do not keep out the sun.
The sun always shines on its beholder......always.

Vulnerable....no more

For all I've been and known. For all that was then and is now. For what has passed and is present. For happiness and for sorrow. For the laughter and for the tears. For all the lost chances. For all the missed opportunties. For the pride that strikes in moments of weakness. And the nostalgia that prevails in moments of strength. For the extreme sadness that overcomes the soul to a point that words fail, and language falls short of sufficient expressions. For the hollowness that leaves you short of breath, heart beating too fast, palms sweating, eyes filling up with tears, face burning up, feet cold, and body shaking. For the physical pain that mimicks a hand clutching your heart and squeezing until you gasp out loud. For the clarity that comes in a flash. For the signs you ignore and the signs that register in your consiousness.
For all that I have lost and I have gained. And I have lost quite a few.
For the long nights that shadowed lonliness, and now mean solitude.
For the days that stretched endlessly, and still do.
For the subtle touch, and the ruthless thrust.
For the passion and the indifference.
For the friends and strangers that pass through your life. Some linger. Some walk away. Some come back. And some leave forever.
For the feelings that can't be told and the ones that can't be untold.
For the regrets.
For the guilt.
For the stubborn minds that attack their victims without mercy, without a second chance, without a last glance backwards.
For all that has been. For all that will be.
I am vulnerable......no more.

Waves

The waves crash. Shades of blue and green blending with the skyline. The foam rises and sputters. The depth unknown...unseen. Raise your head. Catch your breath. Rise and fall. Fall and rise.
The waves crash. Dark and angry. Pushing their way to the shore. Overthrowing the calm. Overthrowing the peace. Fast...furious...full of anger. Thrashing, slamming, emittng the ultimate release.
The waves crash. Liberal. Beautiful. Swaying. Dancing to their own rythym.
The waves crash. As one. Lonely. Sad. Slowly retreating. Embracing the horizon. Lowering their fiery passion with subtle movements.
The waves crash. Their tears flow. Unstoppable. Uncontrollable. Scattered. Lost. Found. Denied. Accepted. Exposed in their vulnerability. Disguised in their pride.

The waves stop. Idle. Oppressed. Supressed. Repressed.
The waves stop. Stifling a timeless desire. Suffocating an overpowering craving.

And then hesitantly...cautiously......inevitably....the waves crash.

Damsel in Distress

If that's what it takes...I refuse. I will not be that helpless, desperate, fragile being just to make you feel more like a man. I will not bat my eyelashes. I will not have tears glistening on my eyelids unless I feel them. I will not act lonely. I will not need you to make my life fuller. I will not ask you for help. I will not wait for you to complete me. I am complete. I don't need you nor need anyone else.
I will not compete in a losing battle. I rise above that. I am who I am. And you will only know my worth when I'm no longer there. But by then, it will be too late for you. You will regret it but I will have no sympathy. I am strong. I am strong. I am strong.....and I don't need to be weak to prove I am a woman. A woman with a hollow cave of emotion. A cave that has no beginning and no end. Emotions that rise and fall as frequently as the sun rises and sets. How little you know me. You have no idea. More than anything else, it is this superioir knowledge of my being that you pretend to have that annoys me. Oh boy, will you be surprised.
Enjoy the calm. But be ready for the storm.
Because believe me.....you will lose either way. I will have owned you....or you will wish you'd have owned me.
I do not compete in a losing battle.

One break

I am trying so hard to hold on. Trying so hard to be positive. The dark wave is engulfing me and I am resisting. I am fighting it but I think it is winning. I need an outlet. Not a temporary outlet. A permanent one. I don't know how to react. My head is spinning with endless thoughts. My heart is pounding so strongly that my chest is having a hard time containing it. I want to run. Where to, I don't know. To no destination probably. To the unknown. No, I am sick and tired of the uknown. I am sick and tired of my roaming thoughts. Please rest, dear mind. Give me one break. Just one true break. I don't need a quick high. I need some peace. I need some serenity. I need....I don't know what I need. Maybe that's where the problem lies.
It is approaching I know, this darkness I so hate. With all my might, with all my strength, with all my will power, I am trying to push it away. I am looking inside me for all the positivity I have ever known. I loathe self pity. I am not a victim. Never have been. Never will be. But I am so fucking tired. Just tired. Really really tired.
Just one break. I ask no more.

As usual....

As usual......
She left. I will miss her. She moved on. I will remain where I am.
As usual.....
Logic defies emotion.
As usual.....
I am left to pick up the broken pieces all by myself.
As usual.....
I will have to bury it deep within my soul. Not think of it. Not dwell on it. Not feel it anymore.
As usual.....
I gave in to the twist in my sobriety.
As usual.....
I will be engulfed with the black, the pain, the loss, the aftermath.
As usual......
I will say never again.
As usual.......
I am all alone........

Someone like you

Someone who calls her beautiful. Someone who remembers her sorrow before her happiness. Someone who pulls her up when she is down. Who pushes her forward when she's ready to give up. Who looks deeply in her eyes to read her thoughts. Who knows what every tilt of her head means; who can see the idea formulating before she herself understands it. Someone who loves her insanity; adores her insecurity; laughs at her compulsiveness. Someone who runs his fingers through her hair; who wipes her tears; who misses her eyes.
Someone who doesn't judge her; who's seen all her faults and still wants her. Someone who tells her that the world is a happy place when she's happy. Someone who understands her words through her sobs. Someone who's proud of her; who tells her she's strong and tells the whole world about it. Someone who believes her when she says she'll be famous one day even though she doesn't believe it herself.
Someone who holds her in his arms and she feels safe. Someone who dances with her late into the night; kisses her like there's no tomorrow. Someone who listens to her stories without ever getting bored. Someone who appreciates her details and opens her eyes to the beauty within her she never saw before. Someone who sees the twisted darkness inside her and thinks it's amazing. Someone who'd stand by her no matter what. Someone she can call her equilibrium. Someone she can't replace with anyone else. Someone who impersonates the true meaning of selfless love. Someone who's not perfect, but is perfect....for her.
Someone like you.

The extremist

You are two not one. You are an angel and a devil. You are innocence and you are evil. You are everything and its opposite. You love yourself. You hate yourself. You are the extreme. Nothing completes you. Nothing quenches your thirst. Nothing satisfies your appetite. You are roaming in an endless desert. You have no fear. The realms of logic do not intimidate you. The heights of passion do not compare to you.
Nothing surprises you. You read people like an open book. You choose to believe them and deceive them. You use them and discard them. You love them and hate them. You own them and nobody owns you. Your truth is their curse. Your honesty is their cowardice.
You know that anyone is capable of anything....and herein lies your power.

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