Dear Dad.....

Dear Dad,

I miss you.....so much. I have so many things to tell you. Things that I never got a chance to say before, and now I regret this every single day of my life. I wonder if you've forgiven me, or if you ever understood. I hope so. I find no comfort except in the thought that I was ignorant, I didn't know - I never expected that. I know that's not an excuse, I should've known better, but I really didn't. Sometimes I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to reach out and touch you, see you again, talk to you again. My helplessness suffocates me, and yet I pray that you are hearing my silent apologies. I hope I am reaching you, although I will never find out if I am. I was wrong, many times, I hurt you, many times, but I only realize that now. I did not see your pain then, or maybe I did, but I misunderstood it. The ignorance and pride of the young I guess - but again not an excuse. But I really never meant it. I love you more than you ever knew, but will you ever know now? Do you see me? Do you hear me when I talk to you? Do you feel my pain everytime I reach out but can't find you?
Are you happy? Did you find the peace that you were always searching for but never felt? I hope so. You deserve it. You suffered so much, you had the kindest of hearts - you always gave so much and expected so little in return, and even then you were deprived of what little you needed.
Everytime I remember how selfish I was, I am ashamed. I wish I knew better then. I wish I made you happy. I wish you are proud of me. I wish things were different, but they're not and they never will be.
I have accepted this. I have to accept it. It is God's will, and I have to live with it. What I can't accept is the idea that you may not have known how much I cared, how much you meant to me. That is why I am writing to you this letter. In the hope that, somehow, you will be able to hear me, hear my apologies, hear my love. Maybe it's an attempt at cleansing my soul of all the guilt, maybe after all, this is still a selfish gesture, but I swear to you from the bottom of my heart that every word I wrote is heartfelt. There is still so much more that I haven't written, but my words have failed me. And my courage to reach deeper into myself to extract what I need to say to you is escaping me.
Daddy, I just have to make sure that you know how much I love you, how much I loved you and how much I always will. I kiss your hands.

Papy, same7ny. Ba7ebak awy.

I am bored and depressed and totally and completely stressed out. I am going through a yucky phase. It's been going on for sometime now, and I don't know when it will end. Crossraods. A difficult decision. Or do I just think it's difficult. Maybe it's not such a difficult choice, maybe I'm just creating difficulties for myself. I don't know, I really don't. Usually my approach is to say that God will direct me to the best solution, even if I think it's not. But why am I worried this time? Maybe because I'm too stressed, trying to evaluate my options from every angle. I know that whatever happens will be for the best. I know and believe in God's will. I just need to put a cap on what's bugging me. Ok, I'll try, really, I should. I mean there's no point. What am I gaining out of all this? except more stress. Which I definitely don't need now.

What will be, will be....................
Ché será será...............................

The "sad or happy" post

I have been writing the "sad or happy post" for the past two weeks. Finally, I published it !! I guess I was too sad to finish it......

To judge...or not to judge

This post is inspired by Loulou's post: "Lipstick in my hair".
Judging each other...why are we not more preoccupied with judging ourselves? Why is it much easier for us to pinpoint what is wrong with someone else, but when it comes to looking at our faults and assessing them....we just falter and find it something very difficult to do?
Is this something in our nature, being oblivious to our shortcomings? Or is it just the nature of some of us? Can we control this urge to form an opinion about someone else or is it something uncontrollable?
My personal opinion is that it is controllable! It is......Instead of providing our opinion on what someone should've done but didn't do, why don't we try putting ourslevs in their shoes. We are all human beings......we are all affected by emotions and feelings that are sometimes stronger than any rational thinking. How many times did you offer advice to a friend, but when faced with the same problem, were unable to solve it? The simple reason for that is that it was easy for us to see the solution when our judgement was not clouded by our emotions. I may seem off-topic here, but what I am trying to say is that we shouldn't judge people because we don't know what we would've done if we were in their shoes. Ideally, we shouldn't judge people PERIOD. But I know that that is asking for too much.
Most of my friends tell me that my best quality as a friend is that I'm a good listener. I listen, and if my advice is needed I try to offer it in the nicest way possible. And sometimes, not saying anything is the best you can do. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, there is nothing comforting enough that can be said to make someone feel better. I have been in situations where a friend of mine would be beating herself up for doing something that she shouldn't have done...and at these times, what she needs to hear is that it's ok...it's ok to make a mistake...we are not perfect....don't beat yourself about it.....you are not a bad person.......it's a good thing that at least you realize that you did something wrong, some people never do. Move on...learn from your mistakes...learn from the mistakes of others....grow......and move on.
I'm not saying that we shouldn't form an opinion about things done around us....of course we should. Otherwise, we will never learn. But what I'm saying is that it should not reflect how we view a person. Our opinion should not give us the right to decide if that person is good or bad. Somehow, that would mean that you are a better person...but are you?
A quote comes to mind: "I have never met a man who was not my superior in some particular" (Ralph Waldo Emerson)