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I will not find you. I know.
You will forever remain a dream. An aspiration. A tribute to a life I weaved out of my wandering imagination.
Cast away with tenderness. Discarded voluntarily. Replaced with contentment.
Teasing me every now and then with hope. Planting a smile on my face. A lightness in my step. A quirk in my humour. A flush across my cheeks.
My eyes. That sadness lurking behind the brightness. That mischievous glint. That shy hesitation. That innocence. They seek you out.
You linger in my sheltered thoughts. Among the desperate and the sublime. Mirroring my own virtues and faults. Leading me to heightened peaks. Abandoning me with gentle reluctance.

I will not find you.
You will never find me.

Picture Perfect

She saw him first.

The upturned collar of his coat casting a shadow across his jawline. The lines around his eyes creased from the smile she knew so well. His hands in his pockets, as he waited carelessly.

She asked herself the question she asked herself every day. Why him? 

The uncertainty and doubt invading her soul doubled with every passing moment. The regret. The struggle beyond logic and emotion; beyond any sense or reason. The apathy, followed by moments of ecstasy, ungrounded her. 

Trapped by a yearning that exceeded the boundaries of any she had felt before. Shaken to the core by the gentle brushing of his lips against hers, yet repulsed by his embrace at heightened moments of desire. Vulnerable and unsure in his presence. Exposed, yet hiding behind layers of personalities. Unleashing her authenticity only when she is farthest from him. Attacked by waves of emotion, by the simplest and most subtle of gestures. Constantly swinging between insecurity  and confidence. Randomly timid. Consciously denying her right to shine in his shadow.

She smiled, and quickened her step. She missed him terribly. Sensing her approach, he turned his head to look for her. Their eyes met. His smile broadened and he reached out his hand to her. She took it and laced her fingers through his.

Surrendering herself anew. 

Nora

Thank you Nora. You served your purpose for many years. Now it's time for me to take over. I'm still anonymous to the world.

But no longer to myself.
 

Mariam

If I could take it all away, I would. If I could spare you even a minute of pain, I would. If I could change the story, I would.
If it weren't for you, nothing would be worth it. The struggles, the challenges, the hurt, the need to keep going on. That is all for you. Nothing else matters. Nothing else comes close to knowing you are well. The beauty of your heartfelt smile is the most amazing gift I can ever ask for.
I pray. I pray daily that I chose right. For you, I pray.
I pray that when the day comes, you will understand. I pray that my own selfishness did not cost me your peace of heart and mind.
If I could've done any better, I would've. Please know that I did the best I could.
I love you.

Silence

Even my thoughts are silent.
Too many questions without answers. Too many random events that make no sense. Too many wrong turns and poor choices. Too many misgivings to be taken seriously. Too many twists and turns.
Too many memories, distorted by a heart that chooses to see them better than they actually were.
Too many wanderings inside a mind that has not rested forever. Maybe it's time to rest now.
Silence is best.
It does not require a companion. Nor does it require an audience. Nor does it expect a conclusion.
The silence soothes.
It understands the melancholy. It does not mistake it for anything else than what it truly is. It does not preach. It does not wait for it to pass. It does not judge.
The silence is so restful.