Lonely

I'm lonely. For the first time in my entire life, I am admitting it to myself. I am incredibly lonely. And I realize now that I have been lonely most of my life. One of the few things he ever got right was when he saw my photographs as a child and he mentioned that I wasn't smiling in any of them. And yes that's true....I don't remember ever being happy back then - happy...what does that word even mean? And when I smiled, I smiled a sad smile. I actually laugh and smile more now as an adult - which is even sadder. I don't feel sorry for myself; I'm just wondering if this is something ingrained in my genes....the inability to be happy. Maybe it's me - maybe I just don't have it in me. I mean, same time last year, I was surrounded by more people than I could count on two hands, and I felt lonely. And today, I am all alone, and I also feel lonely. Is there no pleasing me. Am I incapable of attracting happiness? Or am I incapable of appreciating the good things in my life? Or am I too screwed up to realize what it is that would really make me not feel lonely....what would make me happy?
I am searching for the answer to a question that is the key to all my being, and I can't figure it out. Will I always want what I can't have, and as soon as I have it not want it? Is this the science of life, or the science of me? What the hell do I want??!!! This question is driving me nuts! The only way to answer it is by getting to know myself more....honestly....not who I would like to be, but who I really am....the scary part is...what if I don't like who I am?
Why am I lonely? Why hasn't anyone penetrated this shell...broken it....taken over it? Is it because I haven't met that person yet? Or is it because I would never ever let anyone do that? Why am I even doing this? I have to stop being too self centered....the world does not revolve around me - the world does not revolve around me - the world does not revolve around me.
I'll keep reminding myself of that.