Divorce

Divorce is hard. There is no other word to describe it. No matter how amicable the separation is, no matter the amount of mutual respect shared, no matter how much you know that it is for the best….it is still hard. It is still hard to end a relationship where you took vows to be together forever…whatever forever stands for. It is hard to sleep in a bed that was once shared and is now empty. It is hard to remember that this person can no longer touch you, can no longer hold you…..even though this person can also never hurt you anymore, you still feel bad that it’s over. You still feel bad that you are starting all over again, as if what happened didn’t matter, never mattered, and will no longer matter. It is hard to think back and remember a moment that was sweet, as much as it is hard to think back and remember a moment that was bitter.
It is hard because there was once a love shared, a child raised, a worry spoken out loud….there were once promises made, dreams revealed. There was a future, and there was a past. There was no unknown. There was no guilt. There was no “what ifs”. And then there’s the collateral damage. The other parties involved in the equation. The children, the spouse, the in-laws. There’s the constant admonition of yourself for what you did wrong and what you could’ve done right. There’s the constant fear that you may have scarred someone irrevocably , the constant fear that what goes around comes around. There’s the fear that maybe it’s all in your head and you didn’t try hard enough. And the guilt, the guilt, the guilt.
There’s the shattered self esteem, the sense of failure, the sense of loss. There’s the emotional baggage that no matter how hard you try to understand, you can’t. Because it’s too complicated. It’s an interwoven web of feelings and emotions, some old – some new, some clear – some hidden, some true – some fake.
And then there’s you being an emotional burden on all those that surround you. It’s as if life has ceased to exist for everyone around you and you can only focus on yourself. Because every day you go through an emotional or logistical crisis, sometimes minor ones and others catastrophic. And you always have to be rational. Because you’ve lost a lot, and you can’t lose anymore. But you’re drained. There’s nothing left to give. But you have to charge up and give some more – for all the others involved in the equation. You’re still the pivotal point that has to hold it altogether. So you try and you try. And your friends come in lower priority. Even though they have been your support system – they are the first ones to suffer from your lack of interest in life. And because you can’t afford to lose more than you’ve already lost…..and it goes on and on.
And then there’s the neediness. The part you hate most. The vulnerability. Because you’re not used to that. You’re used to being in control. Being in charge. But now you’re needy – and you hate it so much so you try to hide it. But it shows up when you do things you usually don’t. And you’re lucky if you’re needy with people who understand – people who don’t come and rub it in your face when you’re down….you hate yourself if that ever happens, but it does and it will. But to all his dues – what goes around, comes around.
And then there’s the guilt….again and again and again.
Divorce is hard.