Dear Dad.....

Dear Dad,

I miss you.....so much. I have so many things to tell you. Things that I never got a chance to say before, and now I regret this every single day of my life. I wonder if you've forgiven me, or if you ever understood. I hope so. I find no comfort except in the thought that I was ignorant, I didn't know - I never expected that. I know that's not an excuse, I should've known better, but I really didn't. Sometimes I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to reach out and touch you, see you again, talk to you again. My helplessness suffocates me, and yet I pray that you are hearing my silent apologies. I hope I am reaching you, although I will never find out if I am. I was wrong, many times, I hurt you, many times, but I only realize that now. I did not see your pain then, or maybe I did, but I misunderstood it. The ignorance and pride of the young I guess - but again not an excuse. But I really never meant it. I love you more than you ever knew, but will you ever know now? Do you see me? Do you hear me when I talk to you? Do you feel my pain everytime I reach out but can't find you?
Are you happy? Did you find the peace that you were always searching for but never felt? I hope so. You deserve it. You suffered so much, you had the kindest of hearts - you always gave so much and expected so little in return, and even then you were deprived of what little you needed.
Everytime I remember how selfish I was, I am ashamed. I wish I knew better then. I wish I made you happy. I wish you are proud of me. I wish things were different, but they're not and they never will be.
I have accepted this. I have to accept it. It is God's will, and I have to live with it. What I can't accept is the idea that you may not have known how much I cared, how much you meant to me. That is why I am writing to you this letter. In the hope that, somehow, you will be able to hear me, hear my apologies, hear my love. Maybe it's an attempt at cleansing my soul of all the guilt, maybe after all, this is still a selfish gesture, but I swear to you from the bottom of my heart that every word I wrote is heartfelt. There is still so much more that I haven't written, but my words have failed me. And my courage to reach deeper into myself to extract what I need to say to you is escaping me.
Daddy, I just have to make sure that you know how much I love you, how much I loved you and how much I always will. I kiss your hands.

Papy, same7ny. Ba7ebak awy.